This is supposed to be the MOST dramatic episode ever!
If it starts with Chris Harrison coming out to talk to us at the top of the episode, it must be super dramatic! We have Crazy Michelle getting into the reject limo and telling us she may have found love in Paradise.
We see a shot of the hotel that the cast stayed at before they moved into Paradise. Which now has lots of thoughts running through my head, like did the rest of the cast hook-up and know who was already on the season if they were all staying at the same hotel? Or did they have everyone else locked up?
Anyways, Michelle started a flirtation with the guy who had a room next to her. It evidently started very innocently by talking to one another across the balcony. Then things got REAL they unlocked the doors leading to their adjourning rooms, which as Harrison tells us “we can only imagine what went on from there.”
Well Harrison knocked on Michelle’s door the night after the rose ceremony in which she left. She opens the door sees that it’s Harrison, says hi and then slams the door in his face. Now Harrison is acting like he’s the parent of a teenager. He keeps repeating her name and asking her to open the door while looking annoyed.
Michelle refused to talk to Harrison and give her side of the story, so he’s gonna fill us in. The guy who stayed next to Michelle was a crew member named Ryan. Ryan & Michelle spent a lot of time together the first few days and had strong feelings for one another.
LOL, now we’re getting really bizarre and silly. Harrison is acting like this is super important and dramatic and doing his best John Walsh impression. We’re at the scene of the crime. Ryan & Michelle were in a room together after the rose ceremony, there was a knock on the door, so Ryan went to hide on the 25 foot tall balcony. Evidently Michelle needed to see the show psychiatrist, which I LOVE that the show has one, because obviously multiple people on the show need it!
As if this couldn’t get any better or worse, we now have a reenactment. Evidently the cast handler watched Ryan jump off the balcony and break his legs. He fell and kept talking about his job and how it wasn’t worth it.
We’re now in the hospital with Ryan and interviewing him as he has the 2 casts on his legs. His last name is Putz, oh man how perfect! He says it wasn’t worth it, which let’s be honest we all could’ve told you that Crazy Michelle isn’t worth it.
Alright, now with all that over with, let’s get to Lacy and Clare whispering about butterflies and sparkles and the rose ceremony last night. Clare is pushing Lacy towards Marcus, and Lacy is just fine with that.
Dylan sees Chris Butowski coming down the beach. Of course he’s on this show. This is what he lives for, is to be on these shows. Of course Marcus & Dylan have some animosity towards him since he tried to crash their first night but wasn’t able to. Well they can’t do anything to stop it this time, he’s here.
Chris comes in and hugs everyone and meets everyone. Wow, Elise is fallen in love with Chris after seeing him, but didn’t she fall in love instantly with Dylan last week? What’s she gonna do?!?!
Graham is trying to be a gentleman and diplomatic, by saying that Chris has a reputation with the ladies. He likes to enjoy ladies, some at the same time, some at different times regardless of the relationships they’re in. Well with an endorsement like that, let’s get him a date card and see who he’s gonna take.
Of course he decides to take Crazy Clare and she’s showing us that she’s still crazy. She’s not going to heed the advice of the thousands of women before her and she thinks she could be the one to change Chris around and have him not be a douche-bag or womanizer anymore. Good luck to you with that Crazy Clare, especially while attempting to do that during a couple’s massage.
Now we see Lacy & Marcus holding hands and talking on the beach while Robert is sad and swimming in the ocean by himself. He’s real sad and doesn’t understand he’s on a dating show and can’t believe the other girl is dating another guy. Doesn’t Lacy know it was true love with her and Robert?
Lacy & Marcus are making out on the beach and all smiles. Graham and Robert have a front-row seat to this pda from the porch on the house. Graham can’t believe that Lacy is kissing Marcus after kissing Robert and talking to him about her life.
Ben finds a date card just randomly on the steps of the porch. Robert, Graham and Ben see it. It’s a date card for Marcus and Graham tells Robert he’d let him throw it away and pretend it was never there. Of course Robert is a nice guy, so that’s not what happens. Ben goes and gives it to him and Marcus chooses Lacy to go on his date.
Now we see Chris and Crazy Clare talking during their massages. Chris admits he hasn’t been the best guy in the past, but when he meets the right girl he’ll change, but here’s the subtext that Crazy Clare didn’t read, he’s not going to change his womanizer ways until he meets that girl, so maybe never.
Chris knows the right things to say, and is winning Crazy Clare over. Enough that after their massage they need to go jump in the ocean.
Elise and Dylan have an intense connection, that Elise tells us about. She’s falling in love with Dylan and it’s been a WHOLE WEEK! We even get a montage of the 2 of them and their week in paradise. Elise asks Dylan what his sign is. Elise starts talking about she’s a Pisces and I’m concerned when she starts talking about it, because I’m a Pisces as well and I didn’t know things she’s talking about.
RED FLAG Elise, Dylan starts talking about how he feels smothered because they’ve known each other for a week and she’s already talking about being in love. Dylan said he’s open to meeting new people and would be okay if she went on a date with another guy. Elise is determined they have an amazing connection and Dylan knows about it, but he’s just too afraid to admit it!
We have everyone at the table, talking about how good Lacy looks and asking if she’s excited. Robert is sitting there and is getting his face rubbed in the mud with it. And isn’t enjoying hearing people talk about it. Robert is very sad and everyone is talking about how awkward it is in-front of Robert. I forgot that Sarah is on the show until she starts talking trash about Lacy flipping the switch to Marcus and thinks it’s purely physical.
Lacy wants to talk to Marcus about his Bachelorette experience and what he’s thinking. We actually see Lacy & Marcus EATING dinner! Shocking! Marcus admits to falling in love, it was a great experience, Marcus was skeptical coming into the show, but he had love at first sight when he saw Lacy and realized how sweet she was. Lacy’s toast is to a beginning.
Marcus said there are butterflies with Lacy, but it’s progress that he’s not saying he’s falling in love with her a week into it.
We are taking shots, having a bonfire and talking about YOPO (You Only Paradise Once). Elise is talking about how she’s never had a one-on-one before, at least not in her Bachelor life. Sarah and Elise talk about how Elise and Chris are vibing on each other. Sarah gives Elise a cautionary tale of being careful because Chris is a player. Elise said she can handle him. This is where things get bad, because Elise is going to try and make Dylan jealous.
Of course the way she’s going to make Dylan jealous is by putting on her teeny tiny bikini and going swimming with Chris in the ocean. Of course this is while Dylan is sleeping. And as we saw the first episode Elise swims in the ocean by making out with guys. So her and Chris are not swimming, they’re making out. And who gives us the commentary on it, but our old friend Michelle Money. Michelle has me cracking up. They’re trying to figure out if it’s Chris and Elise, or because people have been drinking someone says they think it’s Ben and Sarah, which is sad.
And I have sympathy for poor Crazy Clare. This is the second week in a row she’s gone on a date with a guy and she thought the date went well and then the guy ends up making out with another girl. It happened with Robert and Lacy last week and it happens with Elise and Chris this time.
Morning has now come and people are nursing their hangovers, that or they may be day drinking and just not letting themselves get sober….I don’t really know what their plan is. The only one who seems to be feeling fresh is Dylan the guy who went to bed early and is getting his crunches and push-ups in on the beach.
Michelle & Elise are talking and Elise is trying to justify her behavior to Michelle. Chris is talking to Lacy and trying to act like a sweet guy, by telling Lacy that he made a good connection with Elise, since Elise and Lacy are friends. Lacy is being very sweet and naive and is glad they made a connection so quickly.
Ben is there while Lacy & Chris are talking and he’s scarfing down on Doritos. He’s also wearing a ridiculous tiny looking backpack, that I think he may have taken from his son.
Michelle is telling Elise that she needs to be honest with Dylan and tell him what happened. Which means that Elise needs to be in tears. She said that she’s 100% in with Dylan, which is obvious with what happened in the ocean.
Dylan calls Elise out, by saying the whole reason that Elise talked to Chris is to get a reaction out of Dylan. She comes back with “Noooooooooo” yet that is EXACTLY what she said she was going to do. Then she came back with the always great line of “I was thinking about you the whole time.” and Dylan again stops her and tells her to listen to what she’s saying. Dylan said that yes he wanted to meet people, but that doesn’t mean hooking up with the first person you talk to. Elise is now talking so high that only dogs can hear her, she didn’t mean anything with the kiss….and then one of my big pet peeves she said that “You’re LITERALLY killing me right now!” No Elise, he’s not literally killing you.
Dylan tells Elise to not give her rose to him tonight. Well in crazy Elise land that means that this is just a small obstacle that they have to overcome and they will. They both are hurt, but that means that they’re supposed to be. Since Dylan is hurt that means he loves her and they’re meant to be. Dylan admits to being hurt, but is over Elise.
Graham is our love expert when it comes to love triangles. He gave us the breakdown of Robert, Lacy and Marcus. He said he doesn’t have the energy to go and talk to Elise and get the breakdown of the love triangle or Elise, Dylan & Chris and that is why I evidently now love Graham.
Well Crazy Clare is feeling sad because she doesn’t know who she’s going to give her rose to. There are no guys here that she’s interested in. Well evidently that’s all she needs to say, because as she gets done uttering that sentence they see a guy coming down the beach. It’s Zack from Des’ season. Not Zak the gonna be priest. A Zack that I don’t really remember so I don’t think he made it very far.
Evidently Zack and Crazy Clare are friends. Crazy Clare has to run down the stairs and be the only one to greet him before he gets to the house. She jumps in his arms. Crazy Clare said he’s a regular cool guy, non-drama kinda guy.
Chris is upset he’s not the new guy anymore in the house and that he has competition. Zack comes in and has a date card and doesn’t know what connections have been made. It makes me feel good when Zack said he didn’t get a date on Des’ season, so it’s okay that I don’t remember him. He debates between taking Angsty Ashlee or Crazy Clare. Since Crazy Clare is the only one allowed to go on dates evidently, he takes Crazy Clare. BTW Zack, I think you made the smart choice, ALWAYS go with the girl who jumps in your arms if you aren’t sure about what girl may like you. Chances are the one throwing herself at you probably thinks you’re alright.
So Crazy Clare and Zack go on a date. Crazy Clare needs to get in her bikini and go into the ocean. She feels a connection with Zack and they decide they need to make-out in the ocean. I don’t know if they’re doing what her and Juan Pablo did in the ocean, but she’s doing a crazy laugh.
Speaking of crazy, we see Elise and oh my gosh, Angsty Ashlee makes the first appearance on our screen tonight! Elise is talking about how she’s going to track and stalk Dylan down and visualize what they can be in the future, not what they’re scared of. Chris realizes that he needs to talk to Elise and try and have her give him her rose. Chris is really mean and calls Dylan Fat Damon, b/c according to Chris he looks like a fat Matt Damon from Good Will Hunting (RIP Robin Williams :()
Of course Dylan now gets a date card and gets to choose a girl to go on the date with. He said he’s for sure not going to choose Elise, but who will he choose? Dylan decides to ask Sarah to go on the date with him. Especially since Marcus kinda persuaded him to go that route. UGH Sarah! You’re going to stay in that friend zone FOREVER if you don’t go on dates.
Sarah thanks Dylan for asking her but said she needs to think about it. Evidently Sarah & Elise are best friends and Sarah doesn’t want to hurt her by going out with him. So Sarah goes and talks to Elise and Elise is doing the whole passive aggressive thing and starts crying. Now don’t get me wrong, in real life I’m all about hos before bros, however, on this show where people are constantly stabbing each other in the back, I don’t know if you stick with your girl, or if you look out for #1.
Elise somehow spins Dylan asking Sarah on a date to it meaning he likes her and cares for her. According to Elise he’s not going to have a connection with anyone like the connection that they have, somehow she’s forgetting about the connection Chris and her had in the ocean.
Elise is talking to Angsty Ashlee and telling her she doesn’t understand what happened between her and Dylan (ahem, OCEAN, ahem!) You know it’s bad when Agnsty Ashlee looks at Elise and says “You’re crazy!” and then asks her why she kissed the other guy. She keeps going over this and over this and over this and I’m bored by her.
Sarah & Dylan are on a date, and you know what Sarah, if you don’t find love on this island, which I’m sorry to say I don’t think you will, you have no one to blame but yourself. You have a very nice guy across the table from you and you’re not even trying because you’re afraid of your best friend who fell in LOVE with him a day after meeting him.
Okay, Ben is the one who started the bonfire and alcohol flowing. He doesn’t have a romantic connection going on with anyone, but he’ll see what happens.
Well now we have Marcus inside the house with Marquel. It seems Marcus “just happened” to spill water on Ben’s mysterious backpack and found a letter. Marcus has to show Marquel the letter. Marquel reads it out loud to us and it’s from Ben’s girlfriend Lindsay! It said that 3 weeks is not a long time in the grand scheme of things! And now Marcus & Marquel are upset because he’s taking the spot of another guy who could be here.
Marcus is heading to the bonfire to confront Ben. We see the camera guys around taping the rest of the group just sitting by the bonfire getting drunk. Marcus pulls Ben aside and pulls out the letter and tells him he wasn’t going to confront him in-front of everyone. Ben evidently met this girl 3 weeks ago and felt something real quick. Ben wants Marquel and Marcus to talk in the house and away from everyone.
Crazy Clare is going to be the spy and see if she can tell what’s going on. She’s such a good spy that she puts her arm around Marquel and whispers in his ear “Is everything okay?” Marquel realizes he hasn’t had enough air time this episode, so he whispers back to her “He has a love letter.” which is all Crazy Clare needed to hear and she’s back to the beach!
Now after Crazy Clare told them, the beach is coming to the house as Marquel is talking to Ben. Michelle Money is in tears because she left her 9 year old daughter to come here. Ben talks about how he left his son. And Michelle calls him out and asks what the reason is that he’s still here? If he has a girl and has his son what the hell is he doing here? Is it just a big vacation? It absolutely is for him!
Ben keeps trying to say that he was honest with people because he was honest he said he didn’t have a connection with people. Everyone is mad at him for being here for the wrong reasons and taking a spot of someone who could be here for the right reasons. Michelle is still in tears and she’s sure that her Prince Charming is the one who could be here in his place. Ben says goodbye to Hollywood and that he’s done with the game, he has his backpack and suitcase.
While all this is going on, Dylan & Sarah are coming home from their date and getting caught up in all the drama. It’s so bad that Michelle has to hide under her covers and just forget about the world.
Well it’s Rose Ceremony night. And that means Michelle has to wear headwear to make herself feel better. Robert is panicking thinking he’s going to be the next to go home. Chris wants Elise to be the one to give him the rose since she’s the only one he’s interested in.
Harrison recaps the week and talks about why dating sucks so bad in the first place. Because you run into people with the wrong intentions. And those 2 people took the spots of 2 other people who could’ve been here for the right intentions are obviously the perfect match for people that are in this room! Oh the nerve of Ben & Michelle K!
With that speech outta the way, let’s have a cocktail party! We haven’t drank NEARLY enough!
Michelle looks at Marquel on the couch as everyone is starting to separate and she tells him that he looks hot, and he right away responds that she looks hot. Now yes, normally these are 2 very attractive people, however I don’t really agree with either of their fashion choices tonight. What’s with the glasses Marquel? And Michelle we talked about the head piece already, just take it off please!
Marquel is honest and said some things concern him about Michelle. He said to Michelle “You like to drink,” and Michelle is offended. She said it seems that you’re judging without judging me. Robert is smart in his timing when he comes up, because Michelle feels offended by Marquel and Robert comes up and talks to him. And Robert passes the test when Michelle asks him if he thinks she drinks more than anyone else and he promptly answers “no.”
Sarah is talking to Angsty Ashlee about the great date she went on with Dylan. She talks about how Elise is not able to pick up the hints that Dylan is laying down and Elise is obsessing over it. Dylan said that he will not accept Elise’s rose if it’s given to him. Dylan tells it like it is and tells her that she didn’t come here to meet your best friend, you came here to meet a guy you could fall in love with. Sarah agrees with that statement when she’s with Dylan, but let’s see when Elise is right in-front of her what she says.
Dylan gives her the “you’re a great friend of mine” speech and tells Elise to choose Chris for her rose and he wants Sarah’s rose. Dylan tells Elise that it’s not gonna happen with the 2 of them, but Elise is not getting it. Elise is saying he’s sending mixed signals right now and he doesn’t know what he wants. He’s telling you EXACTLY what he wants! She then asks him if she gives him her rose would she accept it and he says no and she’s very confused about that.
I’m really sad for Elise and her students. This is not the way that you want to portray yourself and how you want your kid’s teacher to look. Not good Elise, not good at all!
We’re at the Rose ceremony!!!! Girls are the ones handing out the roses tonight!
1. Lacy gives her rose to Marcus
2. Angsty Ashlee gives her rose to Graham
3. Crazy Clare gives her rose to Zack
4. Michelle gives her rose to Marquel—-which has Robert shocked as he thought he stood a chance to get Michelle’s rose
5. Elise gives her rose to Dylan!
He walks up, she asks will you accept this rose and he said no that he can’t accept it. He attempts to go in for a hug and it doesn’t work out well for him. She’s in tears and then is very awkward and tries to save face but makes it so much worse. She thanks Dylan for rejecting her, by saying that her and every other woman deserves a guy who’s filling to fight for her, which I whole-heartedly agree with, however I don’t know if I’d tell the world this. She keeps talking and everyone looks really uncomfortable and people are trying really hard to not laugh. And at the end of her speech she gives her rose to Chris. Chris happily accepts her rose because he knows a new crop of girls is coming in next week that he can choose from.
6. Sarah is the last rose and she has to choose from Robert or Dylan. She chooses Robert. Sarah said that she’d like to know Robert better next week and he said that he’s very happy to hang out with her. Sarah chose her friendship with Elise over her possible relationship with Dylan.
Dylan stands by his decision to reject Elise’s rose because she’s crazy, though he’s sad that Sarah didn’t give him a rose.
Next week there is lots of making out. It looks like Graham and Angsty Ashlee and are going to go through some stuff, where Graham doesn’t want to go from their first date to forever. Robert is still in the middle of a love triangle, but now it’s between Marquel, Michelle and him. Elise is in love with Chris, it looks like he has a rose in his hand and has Elise in front of him and says that he can’t give his rose to her. Which then has a bunch of girls in tears and a guy saying that Chris is a bleeeeep!
Oh man, hopefully it’ll be just as exciting as the promo is making it out to be!
Until next week,