Bachelor in Paradise Episode 5

Wow, alright we just jump right back into the action. We see the girls all talking about what happened.

Graham is sweating like crazy and tells Michelle that he was afraid he was going to pass out. So he wasn’t having second thoughts, he was physically sick.

Poor Angsty Ashlee is just standing across the room from everyone else, she just stood on her side of the room away from everyone. Crazy Clare makes a good point that Michelle is the one who ran after Graham and got him water and stuff. He did look like he was sick. They get him hydrated and then send him back out there to get Angsty Ashlee’s rose.

Well after he said yes, then Lacy said she’s gonna throw up. So she runs out of the room and the bathroom is a million mles away but she makes it the bathroom and is throwing up. Marcus ends up following her and tells her that she needs to go to the hospital. We’re treated to her hanging over the toilet, which let’s be honest is exactly what we want to see and exactly what she wants us to see.

Of course Michelle is proving how crazy she is, because she said that Lacy hates Angsty Ashlee so much that she is physically ill, ummm no Michelle, obviously Lacy & Graham both got some sort of sickness.

Lacy has Marcus go to the hospital with her in an ambulance and we see the tag on her dress, so maybe that’s how they can afford all these cocktail dresses, they just wear them once and return them to the stores 🙂

Marcus tells us that he was terrified for Lacy because he cares about her. She was obviously dehydrated and they start an IV.

Chris Harrison steps up and gets the rose ceremony back on track. As we hear the producers in the background yelling “places people, everyone back in position”

We have Michelle give her rose to Meat-head Cody

Sarah gives her rose to Robert

And Jackie has the final rose and she’s an idiot who gives her rose to Jesse instead of Marquel (obviously Kalon wasn’t getting the rose.) Jesse tells us before he gets the rose that he doesn’t care what Jackie thinks of him and he just wants her to give him a rose so he can meet the rest of the ladies. Marquel told us that he had a connection with Jackie and wanted to hang with her. And she made the worst decision she could make.

Marcus is laying with Lacy on her twin size bed as a nurse is trying to give her an IV.

Morning has come the next day and Crazy Clare is telling us all these couples are in love and that her connection with Zack is unbreakable.

Christy comes in from Juan Pablo’s season. I don’t really really remember her, I think she’s the girl from the glo run maybe?!? Well evidently Zack and Christy met in LA and Zack had her on his list and he was excited to see her. She has a date card and obviously asks Zack to go on the date with her.

Sarah tried to convince her friend that Crazy Clare and Zack are a couple. At least Sarah should be happy that Robert wasn’t on Christy’s horizon.

Crazy Clare didn’t know that Christy had entered the house. She gets the crazy eyes when she was all excited to say hi to Christy and then found out that Christy and Zack were talking. Zack told Christy that he was interested in her and Clare and him came in just as friends. Well Crazy Clare doesn’t need to get too extreme because Zack turned Christy down.

Sarah swoops in and introduces Christy to Jesse and he of course says yes he’ll go on a date with her and then “nice to meet you.” because that’s normal in real life.

Jesse & Christy are on a date and Christy talks about her ex-boyfriend and the reason they broke up is because she found a bra in his bed. To which he promptly asked what her ex said. The ex said that the bra wasn’t his. Jesse laughed and said that’s what he would say. Which Christy then looked at him and I was rejoicing that this girl finally would see thru him…..but alas that is NOT the case. Jesse makes up some line about how he went in his head to think of what a douchebag would say and that’s why he would say “it’s not mine.” and she freaking bought it. SERIOUSLY!?!? I’m not on the Jesse train and don’t think he’s all that attractive, I definitely think that Marquel is WAY MORE attractive than either Jesse and/or Meat-head Cody.

Alright we’re done with Jesse & Christy. We go back to the house and Sarah has gotten a date card. Once her name is read she’s sitting next to Robert and he rubs her knee and asks she asks him to go with her to which he promptly says yes. Awesome, second night in a row we get a reference to “Sarahdise” and it’s still just as corny as it was last night.

We’re evidently watching a high school date, because something dropped on the floor between the two of them, they both bent down to pick it up and bonk heads. They both awkwardly laugh and can’t believe that happened. Sarah asks Robert what the best part of paradise is and he said that it’s meeting her and going on all of these dates with her. Sarah just wants their first kiss to happen. Then they compliment one another on how good they look, and Sarah said she wore a black dress just for Robert because he said that he likes her in black.

Sarah is terrified that Robert and her are going to stay in the friend zone and she doesn’t want to be stuck in the friend-zone. Though Robert is not kissing her and she’s getting frustrated. She knows that the situation is perfect when they’re in a pool and are hugging. Though shes telling us in her interview she wants him to kiss her, she wasn’t giving the best signals, but luckily he gets brave and asks her if he can kiss her and she said yes and they make out some more.

Oh man, Meat-head Cody is doing pushups by having Michelle over his head. Lacy & Marcus are lying down watching them, and Lacy has the best insight when she said that Cody is going too crazy too quickly. He needs to put on the breaks, but he doesn’t have any experience in relationships, at least according to Lacy. I find it weird that Meat-head Cody tells Michelle that she’s the only girl for him and there’s no other girl there for him, yet didn’t he just tell Crazy Clare this same thing last night?!?!

Christy & Jesse come back from their date and must be on the same page, because the only thing they want to do is get drunk and party. Jackie does not look amused as she’s sitting on the couch.

Zack is telling Crazy Clare that things are intense and maybe they should slow things down a little bit and not put out their wedding invites quite yet because they have been dating for a week and Crazy Clare is losing it. She thinks that he hates her and wants to break up with her because he said things are going quickly. Zack’s head hurts and he’s confused by how this conversation turned and got ugly, and Crazy Clare stomps back up to the house and locks herself crying in the bathroom.

Michelle goes after her to check on her. Which means that Crazy Clare needs to run off to the jungle. She’s talking to a producer again I’m sure, but they are making it appear that she’s talking to the raccoon. She just wants to leave all the drama behind and not look like a fool on national tv again, will someone please remind Crazy Clare that she signed up for BACHELOR IN PARADISE therefore she is going to look like a fool no matter what.

Crazy Clare wants to leave. She’s talked to the producer and shes gonna leave. She just needs to finish packing. She’s talking to Michelle and said she didn’t come to paradise for something physical, she came here for something like Marcus & Lacy who are sleeping in a bunk and being completely cute and drama-free.

Zack is sleepin in the boys room and he’s woken up from a deep sleep and they need to go outside and talk. I think Crazy Clare needs to SLEEP. She’s exhausted and nothing good can come from a conversation this late at night after a day of drinking and being in the sun all day, with no ties to the outside world. She rambles a lot and all I really get out of it is that she has a gut feeling and she didn’t follow it on the Bachelor and she wishes she would’ve. Zack looks like he’s really struggling at keeping up with her and is tuning her out until she comes out with “I’m leaving tonight”

Zack puts his arm around her and tries to comfort her. She’s falling for it and then all of a sudden she snaps at him to not sugar-coat things. Even though he says things with her have been unbelievable, as I think that’s an understatement. She goes into the little confessional room and is pissed that she’s leaving looking like a chump again.

Okay, I gotta say that I know Crazy Clare has been doing the ugly cry, but dang if she still doesn’t look pretty after it. If I was crying as much as she was, I’d look hideous but she manages to not look like that. I also don’t think she really looks like a chump, or that she made herself look more like a chump than Zack did. Maybe her and Meat-head Cody have gotten together now that the show is over?!? He seemed to really like her. And I think Zack did like her, he was just scared by her intensity.

Her saddest confession is that she wishes instead of coming here she could’ve just done Dancing with the Stars.

We have 6 girls and 6 guys. Oh wait here comes Free Spirit Lucy. Meat-head Cody tells us that Lucy didn’t have a bra or panties on. She jumps in the arms of all the guys. And then she strips down and doesn’t have any clothes on. Michelle points out that all the guys had been good about making eye contact but once Lucy was running around without any clothes on all their eyes moved south.

Of course Lucy decides to ask out the playboy who made no attempt to even hide where his eyes were located and so Lucy and Jesse are going to go on a date. Christy is mad because she likes Jesse. However, someone needs to remind/let Christy know that Zack is now available since Crazy Clare is gone and she liked him 24 hours ago. However, if she doesn’t go for Zack then hopefully Jackie does before she suffers the same fate that Marquel did earlier in this episode, though it would certainly serve her right for what did to Marquel.

Alright back to the Ruins. Jesse talks about how Lucy has a great personality, but he can’t wait for her to take off her top. At least with Lucy we get to see honest Jesse because he’s not pretending to be sweet and innocent with her, he’s being crass and I didn’t think it was possible, but I like him even less!

Michelle gets a date card and right away asks Meat-head Cody. Michelle said if you’re not having fun with Meat-head Cody it’s your own fault. Their date is to take them to a wedding coordinator right after Michelle says that things have been going too fast and she wants things to slow down. Which means they are having engagement photos because that’s normal. Evidently Meat-head Cody is the stereotypical female in this relationship, as he talks about how Michelle is going to be his future wife and I think he’s practiced his first name with her last name to see what it looks like. And the Bachelor producers just go for the jugular and have a white wedding dress in a room that they want Michelle to change into for photos with Cody. She’s freaking out and talking about how she’s been married before and this brings back those feelings. Even though she obviously does NOT want to put this dress on, I have a feeling the producers remind her of the contract that she signed so she puts the wedding dress on and goes and meets him. She’s super uncomfortable and Meat-head Cody is giddy and ecstatic.

I hope that the photos that they actually took are better than the ones they were showing on our screen as these photos do not seem to be great quality!

Hey Angsty Ashlee and Graham are still on the show! I forgot about them since we haven’t seen them since the beginning of the episode, but they are going on a date! They are on a race track and there is an Audi car and Graham wants to race cars. Graham was really sweet and said she can drive as slow as she wants. Graham said that Angsty Ashlee proved that she’s ready for a minivan with her slow driving. Graham drives his car and is super excited about it and we get the analogy of their relationship to the car.

Christy is mad because Robert & Sarah and Marcus & Lacy are more interested in hanging out with one another and being in a relationship than drinking all the booze. As she said there is so much booze and no one is drinking it and it makes her mad and she doesn’t understand it. Again my question is where the hell are Jackie & Zack are they hitting it off? Because Christy has completely forgotten about Zack and is pissed that Lucy & Jesse are on a date and she knows that it’s going well.

Marcus & Lacy are in love. Marcus knows what true love is because of her. He tells her that he loves her and she’s excited and it makes her heart skip a beat and she doesn’t say it back, but they just make out.

Jesse & Lucy are making out right by the house and for some reason said that they aren’t going to say anything to anyone. Jesse can’t remember Lucy’s name. Jesse comes down with a tray of alcohol. Lacy looks at Jesse like he’s crazy and she doesn’t know what he’s thinking.

Christy is drunk and since she’s drunk she’s emotional and now she’s crying about she’s gonna go home tomorrow. After she cries it out she decides she needs to go and talk to Jesse and tell him that she wants to leave. Now they are both drunk and talking on this couch. Jesse still cant remember Lucy’s name. And now they’re drinking more and Jesse has manipulated Christy again by telling her that he didn’t want to go on a date with Lucy but he couldn’t say no. Well they were making out on the couch outside and they move it inside and are making out on a bed. Well of course, Jesse needs to make me hate him even more because Lucy decides to join them and he makes me sick with how gross he is.

Okay we’re at rose ceremony night! Boys have the roses and one girl is going to be going home. We have cocktail party before the rose ceremony. Again I have to point out that the goal of this cocktail party has to be for Jackie to get together with Zack. Leave the 3 weirdos to sort it out themselves.

I guess Zack is the smart one and he asks to take Jackie away and talk to her. Zack is smart and said that his page is to get to know Jackie better, he’s not gonna propose anytime soon, but he wants to get to know her and she actually decides she’s gonna be smart and said that she’s over the whole Jesse situation and wants to get to know Zack.

So that leaves Jesse to figure out his whole Lucy and Christy thing. Everyone now knows that the 3 of them all slept in the same bed last night and that they’re all sleazeballs and it’s awkward.

The one word that isn’t used that should be to describe Jesse is CONNIVING! Then again I think that word describes Lucy pretty well, because she’s throwing her best friend under the bus and trying to get with Jesse, though you know she’s just gonna try and get with the next guys that come in next week.

Alright rose ceremony time:

1. Robert gives his rose to Sarah
2. Graham gives his rose to Angsty Ashlee
3. Meat-head Cody gives his rose to Michelle
4. Marcus gives his rose to Lacy—-he gives a very lengthy speech as he’s giving her the rose but I like it because no one can really hear it, so he’s not just doing it for show. They start making out and the producers make it look at first everyone’s really happy and then really bored.
5. Zack gives his rose to Jackie
6. Jesse gives his rose to Christy—-which is a smart move for him because she’s the one that he can continue to manipulate, he can’t reign in Lucy and he got what he wanted out of her. He still can’t remember her name.

Next week’s preview looks AWESOME! I think we only have 2 episodes left, so let’s gear up for our time in paradise to come to an end. I have no idea how this train wreck is gonna end, and I don’t want to worry about it, for now let’s just sit back and enjoy the last couple weeks!

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