Prince Farming Episode 4

Welcome back to our Bachelor Mansion. The Bachelor world is back on track, Chris Harrison is back and is explaining how everything is gonna work.

We have 3 dates. 2 group dates and a one-on-one. To make it real exciting Chris’ 3 sisters are going to decide who will be the lucky lady who gets the one-on-one. He then makes a joke that they’re right here and all the girls freak, because they’re in their pajamas/lounge wear. And you know you have to be all made up, hair done, dressed to the nines to impress the girls from small-town Iowa.

Harrison drops off the first date card. Britt jumps up to grab it.

Megan
Kaitlyn
Ashley S.
Ashley I.
Juelia
Samantha
Mackenzie and
Kelsey

“Let’s do what’s natural”And now the girls are freaking out even more about the possibility of not wearing makeup. Everyone’s looking at you Kardashian wanna be Ashley I and Britt. Girls that go to bed in their makeup. Again, quite a good quality to have when you’re living in a small town on a farm. You NEVER know who’s gonna stop by. Which is when those hair extensions will really come in handy.

Kelsey again proves why I’m a fan of her. She’s making fun of the girls for freaking out about being natural.

We pull up in convertibles to a lake with a gorgeous view. Evidently the theme of this season is how many times can we use the black modesty box? We’re not quite there, but some of these outfits, especially our virgin Ashley I’s outfit makes me think we could be close. She went with the real short Daisy Dukes, that we can’t button because they’re painted on that tightly and a crop top that may be better categorized as a sports bra.

We’re outdoors and in nature. So we jump around in the lake to see how they react. Well Ashley I. is feeling very patriotic in her flag string bikini that she evidently did have on underneath her clothes. She tells the camera that now that she has a crush on Farmer Chris she’s really shy around him.

I’m guffawing at her, as I remember the countless times that she’s attacked poor Chris while they’ve been making out. To the point that she almost killed him and her taking them off the balcony!

She said that today she needs to find a way to break out of her shyness.

As she’s saying this, we see her alone on the dock in the middle of the lake. She looks behind her and then we see her grab her bikini top and rip it off herself and jump into the lake. All the girls on the date gasp. I grab the remote on my tv and hit pause to figure out what the hell she’s doing and am trying in vain to plead with her that this is a bad idea. She’s not listening to me, so I pick up my phone to text my fellow Bachelor watchers to try and understand what I’m watching. They didn’t see this part. I then go and try to Facebook message another co-worker who I know isn’t watching it until later tonight. This is a horrible train wreck that I’m watching and can’t look away, but need to know that there are other witnesses to this!

I’m finally feeling composed and like I’m prepared to go on. Well then comes Kaitlyn on my screen. Kaitlyn of the Costco date. Kaitlyn who told Jimmy Kimmel she’d be fine if Farmer Chris “went to the fantasy suite *wink wink*” with 2 other girls and her. Next thing I know she’s on the dock, and the black modesty box is back as she keeps her top on but takes off her bottoms.

Farmer Chris makes me kinda angry because he’s hooting and hollering. At least he’s not out there in the middle of them.

My girl Kelsey is on the screen and I feel like I can breathe. She’s the voice of reason who says it’s not appropriate to start undressing in-front of a guy in this awkward group date scenario, plus the whole national tv audience. She’s saying that this is a date for bimbos and any self-respecting girl is going to want out at any minute and I agree whole-heartedly with her as I want out right now!

We get a break to go back to the mansion and see the girls are doing their nails. Jillian is sleeping outside and she’s snoring, and the only reason I know it’s her is because her trusty black modesty box is following her around. The doorbell rings, Cruise-ship Carly goes sprinting for the door and sees his sisters and she’s acting as if Santa Claus himself is at the door.

Whitney is the first one with the sisters. She’s blond just like his sister’s and they seem to get along pretty well. Whitney seems genuine and they seem to just click. Brit is next and I don’t know the sister’s seem to be judging her more. Jade tells us that she’s a model for a website and admits she’s from Nebraska and I think the sisters enjoy that. She also is starting her organic makeup business. She gets big hugs from them.

So here’s my problem. As much as you all know I hate spoilers, I have to admit that I know something about Jade. Please stop reading if you don’t want to know, but I feel like it’s only fair to share that I will not be able to give a fair assessment of Jade. I know that she has a past that isn’t something that most of us Nebraskans are proud of. Her and Hugh Hefner are friends. She has also maybe made some videos. Basically not something that a farmer’s wife is typically heard of doing. Harrison did allude to this on the open, so I don’t know when/if Farmer Chris will hear of this, but I find it hard to root for her and her likability knowing her past and how that’s not necessarily shining through right now. Hopefully she’s turned a corner and regrets those choices, as everyone is entitled to their mistakes. However, since that’s not something I could ever imagine myself doing, it’s hard for me to put myself in her shoes and root for her.

Okay, back to the group date. We’re playing red-rover which is something I haven’t played since grade school. Kelsey is not enjoying the dingy lake water, which I hate to break it to her, but I have a feeling that the lake she’s hanging out in right now is more similar to the lakes she’ll see in Iowa than the ones she’s talking about in Michigan. She also says that her face is getting skinnier from her fake smiling.

Farmer Chris is talking about how they aren’t gonna leave, they’re gonna camp. The girls are in their bikinis still but Chris is able to be in a shirt and shorts.

Dear Lord Ashley and Mackenzie are trying to pitch a tent and they need some help. We finally get all the tents up and I think we’re gonna head for the campfire.

Cruise-ship Carly breaks up in-front of the sisters. She admits that she hasn’t had guys be very nice to her in the past and the sisters’ feel uncomfortable. But they hug her out and know that she wants the love that her grandparents had. The sisters’ come out and hug everyone goodbye.

Wow not only do we see the girls making dinner in the kitchen, but as they’re trying to figure out who it’s gonna be, all I see is a HUGE jar of peanut M&Ms in the background and I’ve decided I want to go on the Bachelor for the sake of eating all that candy and fruit that it’s in kitchen!

Date card is here!Britt is bragging about being the front-runner.

Jade is the winner of the one-on-one and the prince doesn’t know that she’s coming. It’s the Cinderella date! It’s from 8-12. And she does seem sweet but is she playing us?

We’re grilling out for dinner. We got some kababs and boy are some of these girls really not dressed and prepared for camping. Please tell me that there is bug spray for the lack of pants and/or shirts that these girls aren’t wearing. He’s all in a flannel shirt and jeans so I have no idea what the weather is.

SHOCKER, Farmer Chris is a touchy-feely guy. Who’d have thought that with all the girls he’s made out with this season. Him and Kaitlyn have a natural connection and she’s continually impressing him.

One of the girls is being melodramatic and said that they are the luckiest girls in the country and Kelsey said really? She meant it to be under her breath, but the girls heard. Now Kaitlyn is saying all Kelsey has done is whine and pout all day. She’s with Farmer Chris right now and I hope she turns on the charm! Ashley I hates Kelsey, which makes me like her more.

We’re taking shots of tequila and Ashley S. is back! She has the hiccups so I hope she’s drunk. She said the thing that made her the most scared is not having music. So she gets up and starts doing a tribal dance, it reminds me of the scene in the proposal with Betty White and Sandra Bullock! Mackenzie is sure aliens are gonna come and abduct them from this campsite.

Now come the scary stories around the fire. Kaitlyn is making fun of Ashley S. Ashley S is around Chris and it’s just the two of them and she asks him “What are you?” Chris is in the middle of talking and she leans over and kisses him!!! Then she randomly tells him she loves him and whispers really creepily “I hope that resonates in your mind tonight. You don’t have to say anything in regards to that.” He’s nodding his head and looks freaked out and is thankful he doesn’t have to say anything! The girls interrupt their alone time by screaming his name and he comes back.

Ashley I is saying this has been the craziest night of her life. While this is a weird night, idk if craziest night of your life counts. I think the thing that irritates me is that she’s sitting at the fire and applying more lip-gloss. Which is something she certainly doesn’t need to do as her lips are already all shiny!

She doesn’t like guys and she has a crush on him and feels like a middle-schooler around him and feels shy. She’s literally in the middle of a sentence and then next thing you know there’s her tongue and she’s making out with him! She finishes her sentence and then starts making out with him. As she’s kissing him though, his eyes open way before hers.

Finally we’re at the rose portion of the date. He’s giving away the rose to someone who makes him feel comfortable and he gives it to Kaitlyn. Ashley I is gonna kill her. Kaitlyn got the rose and she’s drunk! Ashley I. doesn’t know the real her and wouldn’t guess that she’s a virgin and never had a boyfriend before and she’s gonna take her time right now.

The poor ABC camera-guy who has to sit by the fire and wait for some noise to happen! Once he hears Ashley getting to Chris tent it’s like Blair Witch project with it all shaky, but we make it there!

She tells him that she’s freakin innocent! Which is exactly how I would describe myself and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve taken my top at a lake in-front of anyone let alone all of America! Oh wait, yes I can and that number is zero! Chris is taking his time and choosing his words carefully. He says that he thinks shes a very smart, well rounded girl. And she’s relieved, because for some reason guys think that she’s not that way! And they can’t figure her out because she’s a tease! Inside she’s a nerd and inexperienced in every way possible! Farmer Chris said that he thinks he gets her. Farmer Chris tells us that he’s foggy and half-asleep and know that she’s trying to tell him something but he doesn’t get it. Which I mean she tells us how innocent she is, then she starts making out with him and they fall backwards in the tent where we can’t see them anymore.

Oh thank you Lord, we’re finally done with this group date! Yet Ashley I. is on my screen complaining about it being Jade getting the date. She evidently tells the whole world that she’s a Disney princess and a hopeless romantic. The hardest thing for Ashley I is having Jade be the center of attention and having everyone attend to her. So yeah, Ashley I you aren’t gonna make it on the farm.

All the girls are watching Jade get made up from her own fairy godmother. Jade gets to keep the Neil Lane earrings and shoes. She tries on lots of gowns and finds the right one! She was all pampered and all the girls are green with envy!

Farmer Chris is trying his best Prince Farming impression. He’s practicing doing the waltz by himself and he’s trying to see who it’s gonna be walking down the stairs. He knows it was a girl chosen by his sisters. He has a huge grin on his face and seems to be excited that it’s her. They are a very attractive couple.

We get to find out about Jade. She was engaged when she was 21 years old. They met in their hometown and it just didn’t work out. Farmer Chris tells us that he was engaged before as well. And to be honest I didn’t remember that from last season. It may be new info or it may have been a major point of his story, that I somehow can’t remember. It was young love and they dated for 7 years and did the long-distance thing and broke things off. Farmer Chris tells us that what impresses him about Jade is that she’s willing to open up about her past and share things with him, which I feel is a little foreshadowing for the future!

Oh man, back at the house and I see Ashley I in a glitzy gown and I already am feeling embarrassed on her behalf and want her off my screen again before she’s even told me what she’s doing. She brought this dress specifically for her princess themed date. All the girls are in tanks and shorts and the girls are making fun of her because she’s a princess without a prince.

I love that she’s explaining her town of Gering, NE to him. Then tells us that she moved to Omaha and explains that as a transitional town to LA. What I love about her trying to explain Omaha to all of us home-viewers is Chris glossing over it the same way I would if someone were to mention Des Moines. Yes, I obviously know about that city that is close to my home state. He obviously knows Omaha, he was at the Iowa/Nebraska home-game last year, so he’s driven through Omaha at the very least once, probably more!

She admits that she’s lonely and it’s hard to meet friends here. She’s a very likeable person and seems very sweet. I hope she’s not playing us and playing him. I hope she made one mistake and that’s it! Prince Farming gives his princess a rose! They do seem smitten with one another. We have a whole orchestra playing a song for them and his practicing worked out for him. And we have the Cinderella movie trailer going as they’re dancing! And of course we have to end with them making out! She has to leave at midnight before her carriage becomes a pumpkin!

Date card arrives the next morning!

Nikki (who the hell is this girl????)
Jillian
Whitney
Carly
Britt
Becca

“Let’s get dirty” With a bunch of items waiting for them! 6 huge boxes with their names on them. There is wedding dresses and they’re ecstatic and put them on! I guess these girls don’t care about the old superstition that if you put a wedding dress on before you’re engaged you’ll never get married.

The girls get off their private jet and see their groom waiting for them at the airport. Oh heck yes, we’re dressed up all nice but we have an obstacle course, Muck Fest MS. I didn’t recognize Jillian at first because she doesn’t have her black modesty box, but she’s pumped for the competition. Whoever wins gets a one-on-one date with him!

I think all the girls gave up with the exception of Jillian who’s the only one going. Farmer Chris isn’t even going to continue racing. Oh wait, he’s hanging out in the back with Becca, who’s holding hands and talking with Chris. The girls are hosing off their mud and really wanting a shower. Well they’ll get a shower when they get home.

In the meantime, we see Jillian and Chris in San Francisco. I don’t know if I see the connection between the two of them. However, Chris proves I don’t know him because he said that just by physical appearance and first impressions he thought for sure that Jillian is in the top 3.

Then all of a sudden this dinner date becomes a job interview and he asks where she sees herself in 5 years. She doesn’t want to plan because she wants to be open to experience. And planning isn’t living. Now those of you that know me, know I’m not a huge planner myself, but I absolutely have some big picture plans on where I hope I am in the next 5 years. I can’t break it down to tell you exactly what I’ll be doing tomorrow to get me to that point, but there are certain points, broad overviews of what I want.

She said she moved to DC and didn’t have a life and friends. So she started her diet and training. And she’s amazing at competition, which I think we can all agree on. She gets sponsorship out of it, and Chris is just not engaged whatsoever. She’s not taking a breath at all and not asking him any questions.

Chris made me literally LOL when he talks about how he starts tuning out Jillian and starts thinking of unicorns and dancing fairies and they are quite beautiful. And he starts cracking up at the camera.

Back at the mansion the girls are in terry cloth robes and laughing about Jillian should get two dates for how horribly she beat them!

Oh my goodness….we’re playing Would you rather and they’re not on the same page at all. Jillian is all about competition and just wants to win. She also doesn’t see the writing on the wall and thinks for sure that she’s getting a rose and it takes until he says that they don’t have chemistry right now and not the same goals for the light-bulb to go off for her. She gets really defensive which then makes him slightly defensive and I think he knows she could beat the crap outta him if she wanted to. And now she’s crying because she was vulnerable and opened up to him. And now this is the first time that he’s looked at her and seen her all night and he feels like crap. He puts the rose back on the table, hugs her and walks her out.

Now that Jillian is off the show I think we need to introduce Jillian to Meat-head Cody and they could have a wonderful life!

Alright rose ceremony time! Ashley I is wearing her princess dress again this time for her Prince Farming. If Ashley S. wasn’t on this season I think Megan would take the role of ditsy blonde. She blindfolds him and then gives him fruit and makes him guess what fruit he’s eating. Megan is more endearing than Ashley S. because she’s ditsy, she’s not crazy.

Oh yeah, Ashley I is back on the screen! She feels like she needs to clarify even more that she’s a virgin. She grabs him and whisks him away to prove that he needs to respect her and think of her as marriage material. Now here’s my issue with that statement and her actions thus far on this episode, just because you’re a virgin doesn’t give you free reign to do whatever the hell you want to do and somehow people can’t think of you as sleazy because you’re a virgin. Actions speak louder than words!

She puts him on the spot right away by asking what he gathers from their tent conversation the other night. Hello Ashley he’s dating 20 other women, maybe help him out a little bit with what exactly you mean as he’s had lots of conversations. Had lots of alcohol and little sleep! He tells her to calm down and relax. Chris tells the camera that he never would’ve guessed that she was a virgin and that’s not something she should be proud of.

She’s making this super awkward and uncomfortable which is making it seem a lot worse than it is. She wants him to stay calm, but she’s anything but calm. She goes back and Mackenzie wants to know all about it, because she’s jealous she can’t play the virgin card. And for some reason Ashley I. tells us that he was freaked out. Now is this a game that she’s trying to play, or is she just that bad at reading signs and knowing people to know that he wasn’t freaked out at all?

She doesn’t want to be respected by Chris. She wants to make-out with him. And since he didn’t kiss her it’s because she’s too innocent for him. Ummm honey, you’re the one who’s attacked him when kissing him, since you didn’t initiate it that’s the reason why you didn’t kiss! Now she’s bawling and just wants attention and it’s driving me insane! STOP CAUSING DRAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Carly goes in for the kiss right away! Ashley is in the living room and is still “freaking out” and just wants everyone to coddle her the way Jade was paid attention to. She played the middle school, I can’t tell you what’s bothering me, my best friend will. So Mackenzie tells the girls that Ashley’s a virgin and my goodness it’s not some disease that you have! Everyone is shocked by this news in their one-on-one interviews.

Now what I LOVE is that Becca is sitting on the couch next to Ashley and as she’s freaking out, Becca looks at her very non-nonchalantly and says “I’m a virgin too.” and here’s another example of how immature Ashley is. She grabs Becca’s arm and goes “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” in a mocking tone. Becca says no. She says she hasn’t told him yet because it hasn’t come up yet. Which is understandable.

And this ladies and gentleman is why I respect Becca, because who else is shocked by the admission that Becca is a virgin? She has respected herself and Chris. She has been the only girl thus far that hasn’t thrown herself at him and said that he needs to respect and earn her kiss and he agreed with that challenge.

Kaitlyn cannot understand how there are 2 virgins in the Bachelor mansion and I’m just hitting my head on my table over here….sigh…..

Britt is losing it right now because she had the first impression rose but hasn’t hung out with Chris or really talked to him and she’s not trusting in the process. She’s jealous of the other girls. She’s jealous of the camping trip and the girls taking their clothes off and lots of talk about sex and there was lots of talk about girls going home after that. I like that she asks him why those actions are being validated and I respect her for asking that.

I think this is a wake-up call for Chris to realize people are watching his every move and wondering what kinda guy he is. This proves he’s not a great communicator. He’s someone who doesn’t do well on the spot. You can tell he’s a type of person that likes to analyze and think of his responses before he gives an answer. He thanks Britt for the conversation and her honesty and he abruptly leaves her and she’s shocked.

Farmer Chris tells us he’s here to find a wife and anyone who doesn’t trust his intentions can get the hell out! Mackenzie thinks he’s for sure having an emotional breakdown. Ashley I thinks that was really weird. And I’m so thankful this episode is almost over, as it has been quite the emotional trip!

Alright, it’s rose ceremony time! Please let’s send the 2 Ashley’s home!!!

Those with roses already are:

1. Kaitlyn
2. Jade

those getting roses tonight are:
3. Whitney—I like her
4. Carly—I’m surprised she’s still sticking around
5. Megan—Ditto
6. Samantha—-huge ditto to this!
7. Mackenzie—really???? I don’t know this guy at all!
8. Kelsey—-yea!!!!!
9. Becca—–WAHOOO team Becca now!
10. Ashley I——DANGIT!!!!!!!!!!

And the final rose goes to:
11. Britt—-not that surprising, but glad she got it

Those going home are:
1. Juelia
2. Nikki—-no clue
3. Ashley S

Juelia is the one most people are attached to in the house. He walks her outside because he cares for her, but he doesn’t want to keep her away from her daughter any longer. She shows how mature she is, because she thanks him for his time and he’s really sweet to her and it seems like she’s handling this very well. She needs to not deal with this on national television and I hope nothing but the best for her!

Wow next week is when we begin traveling and it looks like my girl Kelsey is the conniving one, that I may be forced to go full out team Becca, instead of on the fence like I am right now. Though it’s hard when Kaitlyn and Ashley I are the girls that hate her. I want to know what happens to have her on the bathroom floor where they need to call in 911?

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