Here we go people, it’s the premiere episode of JoJo season of the Bachelorette! Let’s see what is in store for us. I was super late in getting my predictions in for the season. I got it less than an hour before the show started, but here are my predictions!
If this is your first time reading my blog, welcome! Glad to have you 🙂 Just know that I am a nice person in real-life, but if you put yourself on a dating reality show, I do reserve the right to make fun of you. I’m sure you’re a lovely person in real-life too, and producers have made you into someone you’re not. Glad we’re on the same page now, please don’t beat me up if we are to ever meet in real life, okay? Thanks!
Alright, with the housekeeping outta the way, let’s get to the episode.
We get the reminder of how Ben broke JoJo’s heart and wonder if she’s going to tell 2 guys she loves them a la Ben 🙂
JoJo is going to sit down with Kaitlyn, Ali & Des. JoJo asks if she should kiss people on night 1 and they were all for it. If you’re feeling it, feel it. Ali talked about how lust and attraction happen and you should get to know the guys you like. Ali wants you to ignore the guys you like the first week, because they’ll still be there and you’ll still like them in a week. What a random group of 4 Bachelorettes, but at least you have 2 of the 3 that are still in relationships from guys they met on the show, and Ali is in a relationship and having a baby. We know that this is filler and JoJo will not listen to a word that these ladies say, as these are not her “ladies” these are ABC sponsored ladies.
YES! We get the intros to a few select guys.
Grant the firefighter is the first one we meet.
He’s a cutie. We see him in home video footage rushing around to fight fires. He loves his job, but is just missing one thing in his San Fran life…and that’s JoJo! Is she the one who lights his fire?
Jordan is the next young man we meet. Former Pro Quarterback.
Holy cow! I remember hearing that Aaron Rodgers little brother was going to be on this season, just didn’t realize this was him. Looking at him, I don’t see how I didn’t see it.
Well the last time an NFL quarterbacks brother was on the show, it worked out pretty well, at least until the engagement ended, but he was the final one.
We’re rooting for you Jordan, you already know what it’s like to be in 2nd place, hope you win this one. Though JoJo you will be compared to Olivia Munn and most of the attention will be on Aaron, so will you be okay with that?!?!
Okay, we’ve got Alex a US Marine, which is the best decision he could’ve ever made.
He has a twin brother, who is stationed with him and his twin is married. He knows he’ll find someone he can fall in love with.
Alright, our next suitor is James, who’s occupation is “SuperFan.”
He’s a psycho who’s showing that he wants to be best friends with a producer and is willing to do whatever it takes to get his 15 minutes of fame.
Evan, is the next guy.
He used to be a pastor, but then found a new way to lift people’s spirits. He is an Erectile Dysfunction specialist. He uses every innuendo you can think of. It’s pretty ridiculous.
Ali is up next.
He’s an amazing pianist. His parents moved here from Iran. His brother is a surgeon and sister is a dentist. They are successful and he is a wanderer. He surfs, skateboards and bartends.
Christian is the most motivated guy we know.
His alarm goes off at 3:30 and is at the gym by 4:30. He is driven because he’s biracial and his dad didn’t know he existed until he was in 7th grade, because his dad’s family is very racist. He has 2 little brothers and they evidently live with him, so I don’t know what they’re gonna do while he’s on this “journey.” I can’t tell if we like him, or if he’s too pompous.
Luke is our country boy.
He is our rancher/farmer from Texas. Small-town boy. Of course we have to have one of these guys on the episode or it just doesn’t work. He was in military for 9 years. 4 years at West Point. He was in Afghanistan. He has lost people and has a new appreciation for life and relationships and is ready for love.
Alright, here we go! We’re done with the pre-recorded portion of the show, let’s get to JoJo meeting the guys!
We get to the mansion, the driveway is sparkling with water. JoJo steps outta the limo and her dress is dragging! Here’s hoping she doesn’t trip. Also her dress is a mermaid dress so she’s gonna be walking very slowly….and we pan up and see that we will be praying that there is VERY sticky tape attached to her. The girls are out on full display, and the back of the dress shows off there is no support whatsoever. We are one badly executed limo introduction away from a BIG wardrobe malfunction! This is not the dress I would be wearing for all the arm lifting, and hugs that will be going down, but that is why I’m sitting on my couch in my PJs and JoJo is on National TV in a sparkly cocktail dress!
First guy outta the limo is: Jordan! Congrats Mr. Rodgers, if history tells us anything on this show (which it does because we don’t change much over the seasons) you will be making it quite far in the show! I like that he doesn’t lead with the fact that his brother is an NFL quarterback, he tells a story about how his parents met only after dating a couple months and have been married 36 years.
Derek is next, he was my favorite based just on photos because of his eyes. He has a great smile. He is nervous and tells her that he was blown away by her sense of self and is grounded. She eats that up.
Grant our firefighter is up next. He’s not gonna fall in love with 2 girls like Ben did, he’s just gonna fall in love with her.
James F. is next outta the limo. He didn’t come here for a rose, he came here for a relationship.
Robby comes with a bottle of wine. He makes fun of her mom from drinking outta the bottle during her hometown and didn’t bring glasses, they drank it outta the bottle.
Next limo is here!
Alex our Marine comes and because the other guys are like 6’4″ he appears to be like a jockey.
Will comes outta the limo with cue cards that he “drops” when he waves. He attempts to make a joke about how he’s the most beautiful woman in the world and he can’t wait to see her inside. You’v’e tried too hard!
Chad does not believe in personal bubble. He won’t go in for the hug like she tried, instead he holds her hands with their fingers intertwined, but holds them above her head.
Daniel our Canadian is here. He’s also a male-model and I predicted a CRAZY!
Ali comes outta the limo and acts like a 3 year old, who grins at her when he gets outta the limo and waves a goofy wave, but she seems to enjoy it.
James Taylor comes out with a guitar and sings her a song. She eats it up and they’re two fellow Texans and both love Country Music.
Jonathan is here with a kilt on. He decides to tell her he’s going commando and she doesn’t know how to respond to that. I think it would’ve gone over better if it was Kaitlyn.
We’re at the crazy portion of the night with the limo entrances.
Santa is next outta the limo, and instead of “Ho Ho Ho” he goes with “Jo Jo Jo” his name is Saint Nick. She gets a gift and hug. The guys don’t know how to handle it when he walks into the mansion. He keeps his laugh up and it’s getting really annoying.
Chase comes outta the limo with a mustache and “mustache” her a question.
Jake comes out and is an architect and that’s all we literally hear about him. But he has a smile like one of my favorite baseball players Lorenzo Cain, so I’m happy 🙂
Next is Sal and he has blue balls in his hand. She has permission to squeeze them whenever she gets too stressed….again know you audience, Kaitlyn would love that, JoJo is NOT Kaitlyn!
Coley is in real estate and will be able to take her off the market by the end of this.
Brandon is a hipster and seems so high and doesn’t know anything about her.
This is the part of the night where the guys freak out about how many people are in the room and they just keep on coming….
James our superfan is here and we just hear him say his name and that’s it.
Nick S. comes out, does the splits right in front of her and starts slow-dancing with her as the guys creepily watch from the window.
Vinny gives her a piece of toast because he couldn’t find champagne.
Peter gives her a big stuffed heart (think stuffed animal!) he wants to be her man-crush Monday.
Evan comes out and “God Bless America.” and asks her how it’s going “girly.” Now hang on a minute, maybe this is just a Lindsay thing and it wouldn’t bother anyone else, but it’s a huge turnoff for me if a guy where to call me “girly.” Just seems like something girlfriends say to one another, but not a nickname I’d want my significant other to call me.
Wells comes out and he was another one of my favorites just based on photos. He starts by saying “You are so outta my league” which is a way better pickup line than “girly”, take note Evan. He brought friends outta the limo. Music is a big part of his life because he’s a DJ. And he’s brought All 4 1, you know them from their hit song in 1994 “I Swear”
JoJo is LOVING it! She’s swearing and hugging Wells. Everyone recognizes the song and is singing along. But my absolute favorite part, after I’m done swooning with JoJo, is when Jordan admits that this is great and how does anyone compete with that?!? REALLY, REALLY Jordan?!?! COME ON PRODUCERS! Anyone else says that and I’ll agree with them, but you have Jordan who has the Ace card in his pocket of Aaron Rodgers being his brother, and he doesn’t think that can compete with 1 hit wonder from the 90s?!?! What will the guys do when they find out who he’s related to?!?!
JoJo gets so excited when Christian comes up on his motorcycle, she wants a badboy!
We have Luke come in on a white horse with a Unicorn horn and she’s so excited, Coconut is done for the night and walks away. Luke wants her to know that he believes that Unicorns are real and that he can ride horses and is from Texas, she’s even more smitten! Luke should be so happy that he’s the last guy because that is usually a good sign too!
Alright JoJo is in the mansion, and we have an hour left! Let the trainwreck really really begin now! I’m ready to cringe and hide behind anything I can find.
Everyone is pissed because a guy stole JoJo to talk to her….the nerve of Alex being the first one! Ugh, Derek is blowing this because how nervous he is and is saying he’s a nerd, get it together Derek, you’re killing me!!!!
JoJo wants to feel a natural chemistry and at ease with someone. Everyone is so nervous. The music changes and we get to Jordan and JoJo. Jordan wins the night by asking about her and how she is. They are so stinkin adorable with their sense of humor, because he says this has to be a good experience to meet everyone, especially Santa, as he’s sure she’s been wanting to meet him since she was a little kid. Without breaking character she admits that yes she has, and then dishes it back to him and says she knows he wishes he would’ve come up with that idea first. They can’t really keep their hands off each other. She finds out that he’s into sports and retired a year ago. He is doing such a great job of not dropping who his brother is, he seems genuine and real and is trying to make his own name for himself….can you tell he’s won me over yet?!?!
JoJo admits that she’s getting nervous because she’s talking to a few of the guys and isn’t feeling the connection. As the night has progressed she’s felt better about her connections.
The first person that she kisses on the season is Will. He does one of those games you do in grade school, where you write stuff on the inside and fold it up and move it around and you find out your future. Well it said that they were going to kiss. Luckily she goes in for the quick “MWAH” kinda kiss, and calls it good. He’s so awkward, in a sweet nerdy way that I’m actually impressed he had the guts to do it, but don’t really see a love connection with them. Jordan comes and steals her before it gets anymore awkward, though she does tell us on camera she wasn’t ready to kiss Will.
Jordan steals her and takes her to the fountain for her first real real kiss. She is smitten and as he walks away she legit swoons! She makes jokes with her producer and just keeps swooning and falling for him.
Well the first impression rose is out, so the claws are out and the guys are freaking out! Chad is the villain of the season and he thinks he’s the best and the rest of the guys are jerks. He’s obviously God’s gift to women! JoJo loves him because he’s vulnerable…don’t fall for it JoJo!!!!
Daniel is getting drunk! He’s poking Evan in the belly button and just keeps drinking. Daniel has taken his shirt off and now has taken his pants off. JoJo yells at him to put his clothes on. He jumps into the pool.
As JoJo is having her interview she gets interrupted by another drunk guy….then the next one comes in to her interview room, Vinny comes in and she can’t believe it. She can’t believe it and is looking at her producer and says she feels awkward and everyone is hammered and she doesn’t know how to handle it.
We have Ali showing off he’s not drunk when he plays a piano piece for JoJo and she’s taken with it.
James Taylor and her are fitting it off. She says he’s gonan be a gentleman. You can tell he’s sweet and is gonna treat her well, which I think she appreciates.
Luke gave JoJo Cowboy boots and she’s so excited. She asks him why he’s here and he said he’s ready to pursue a girls heart and soul and that girl is JoJo.
JoJo comes in and steals the first impression rose. There is quite a few guys she walks past with the rose and the guys are not happy to see her going past them. JoJo steals Jordan with the rose and there are many broken hearts. Our Super-fan points out that Olivia got the first impression last season and got left on an island. I don’t blame her at all for giving the rose to Jordan. Chad is throwing the gauntlet down and saying he doesn’t think Jordan is here for the right reasons, come on now Chad, come on!!!
We’re lined up for the rose ceremony and in walks JAKE PAVELKA!!!!!!!! WHAT?!?! As a reminder if you need one, here’s Jake and his lovely finace Vienna:
Jake who could’ve been with Tenley, but didn’t think with his brain, and went for lust instead of love. He’s evidently family friends with JoJo, which makes sense because you know it’s not like Texas is HUGE or anything. He’s here though to milk those last precious seconds of the 15 minutes of fame and to make sure we don’t completely forget who he is. He’s here to tell JoJo Good luck and give her advice, because he knows what it’s like to find love. Thank God, he’s not gonna stay on this season! The guys were all freaking out, and when she comes in and apologizes they all act like “it’s no big deal, we weren’t flipping out or anything.”
Alright, we’re handing out roses!
- Jordan—first impression rose
- Luke—fellow Texan, ex military man
- Wells—“I swear by the moon and the stars and the sky….”
- James Taylor—sweet corny, singing cowboy
- Derek—PLEASE calm down man!!! You can go far, just be you!
- Christian—I wanna know where your brothers are staying!
- Chad—the douche who is talking smack about everyone, but she just sees his vulnerable side.
- Chase—mustache, and that’s it…
- Alex—small Marine twin
- Robby—they drank outta the bottle of the wine together evidently
- Brandon—stoner who has no idea who she is, or what the show the Bachelorette is
- James F—he’s taking this whole thing way too seriously and is gonna tell her he loves her next week
- Ali—piano player master
- Santa—also know as Nick
- Will—awkward first kiss didn’t hurt him evidently
- James S.— Superfan
- Vinny—guy who’s drunk and is a good judge of character
- Evan—our erectile dysfunction guy.
Last rose goes to:
20. Daniel—because the producers need the drunk guy to make it one more episode to bring viewers.
Those that didn’t receive roses are:
- Jonathan—kilt guy
- Peter—shouldn’t have worn a tan suit, should’ve done dark like everyone else. Also the stuffed heart didn’t get him anywhere.
- Coley—real estate agent who was gonna take her off market.
- Sal—blue balls, see she’s not as crude as Kaitlyn
- Jake—this one makes me sad because he was a landscape architect and had the best smile….oh well!
Oh man, the previews look pretty dang intense and I’m not even saying that sarcastically! I mean it whole-heartedly and I’m giddy about it! Chad & Robby are the villains who are steroids. They are jealous that Jordan is related to Aaron Rodgers. Chad is trying to push Jordan’s buttons but it looks like luckily Jordan doesn’t let that get to him. We see that Chad puts on a show around JoJo, but something happens that brings Harrison in to have a convo with him about how there are threats of violence and guys don’t feel safe and Chad looks like that’s revving him up for a fight more instead of ashamed. JoJo is crying a lot and doesn’t think she’ll find love, but we know she will 🙂