JoJo’s Meat-Heads

What better way to wind down from Memorial Weekend then to have JoJo and her men on our Television screen.

The guys were all talking about how they love each other until our villain Chad shows his true colors and goes for the toast “To a beautiful girl, a beautiful life, F**** you guys, I’m gonna make her my wife.” Followed by the requisite laughter from those who feel like they have to and dirty looks from most guys.

Luckily Chris Harrison makes his appearance to make sure the guys know the rules of the show. 3 dates this week, 2 group dates and 1 one-on-one date. If you go on the 1 on 1 date you need the rose, or you’re going home.

First date card of the season is  a group date! “Let’s Heat it up!”

Going on it is:

  1. Luke—came in on unicorn, kinda smoldery, we like him
  2. Grant—firefighter, one of the first guys we met, I’m a fan!
  3. Will—he’s the one who went in for the first kiss of the season, after playing the junior high paper game. He’s okay, but is trying too hard.
  4. Evan—-who’s reading the card and way too pumped for this. (He’s the Ex-Pastor, now Erectile Dysfunction guy)
  5. Daniel—UGH!!! Got super drunk night one. His job is Canadian and he’s a male model who thinks he’s God gift to humanity…..not a fan!
  6. Vinny—-got super drunk night one and interupted her interview—nope.
  7. Ali—played her a song on the piano.
  8. James F.—I like James, I think he’s gonna get too caught up in competition and not gonna speak up like he should.
  9. Wells—Radio DJ who brought friends All 4 1 to sing to her…another fan of him
  10. Robby—not gonna lie, couldn’t remember Robby, looking back at my recap from last week, he’s the guy who brought a bottle of wine outta limo and they drank straight from bottle—-indifferent towards him, let’s see what he does on this date.

The guys are in the living room, and then they hear a big bang, they run out and a limo is on fire, all the guys are literally just standing there, not really a hero that I could see, no one jumped into action, so I’m assuming/hoping they told them that JoJo was not in there and it was just a prop and don’t do anything. If they didn’t tell them that, then these guys are bunch of sissies and need to be slapped.

We need more examples of how Chad is a douche, so we see him doing pull-ups off the deck, by putting a weight belt around him and having his suitcase attached to it, with all of the protein mix-ins he needs and steroids.

We go back to the date and the guys are dressing up as firefighters. Grant our actual firefighter has to be sad that he does not have a day off of work and has to do this. Our poor DJ Wells, is struggling with this since he doesn’t do a lot of physical activity. They have an actual medic check him out. They said the gear weighs more than him. JoJo gets to sit next to him and he makes a joke about how it was an elaborate ploy to get more time.

James Taylor leads a sing-along by the pool about JoJo….they are having a blast, I think this has to do with the alcohol that has been flowing pretty freely and that they are bored outta their minds, nothing else to do in the mansion except sing a song.

The top 3 guys to possibly spend time with JoJo are:

  1. Grant
  2. Luke
  3. Wells

I think it makes sense that Grant & Luke are the top guys because you have your war veteran and you have the firefighter. Poor Radio DJ may have died, but at least he tried! Well Grant wins so he gets alone time with JoJo.

JoJo and Grant are talking and he says he’s going to have to tell the girl he’s with he loves her everyday before he goes to work, because there is a chance he may not come back. She tells him she’s surprised by him and goes in for the kiss….it’s much more smooth than Will’s debacle last episode!

We have a cocktail party, and JoJo grabs Wells. Wells has such an amazing sense of humor and he has JoJo in stiches. He makes jokes about how he almost died, and he thought it was great that the Chief wanted to finish him off by havin him be one of the final 3. He makes jokes, but at the same time is trying to build a foundation. He has pictures and shows her parts of his life. He shows off his dog, and she doesn’t recognize him because he’s wearing a beanie and she finds that really HOTT.

Okay, can we talk about the fact that I think Wells looks like Orlando Bloom, which is probably why he’s in my top 3? He’s so freakin adorable, JoJo you don’t want him, I’ll take him! Here’s my proof I think they look alike, maybe no one else sees this but me (Orlando on the left, Wells on the right & yes I purposely chose images of them both in beanies!):

Luke is one of my favorite 3 as well, he’s getting jealous because he hasn’t had one-on-one time. I do have to say, it seems they have a genuine connection. They are talking about where they’re coming from and past relationships. It’s not just surface level. She takes him out onto this deck thing overlooking the city and she goes in for a kiss. He makes his move and goes in for the second one. I’d say there is definitely a connection between them.

JoJo hands out the group rose date to Wells in-front of the other guys. He’s so excited, Luke not so much.

Date card time at the mansion! Derek gets the first one-on-one. I saw on Facebook and Twitter that people kept comparing Derek to John Kraskinski (Jim from the Office). I personally don’t really see it, but since I subjected you to my Wells/Orlando comparison, it’s only fair to show this comparison as well.

derek.john

Derek gets to drive with JoJo and it’s the “let’s ride around in a car” date. The twist on this season, is that they get to choose based on signs where they are going to go. Sea or Sky? (Sky) North or South (North b/c there are more options). They end up in San Fran and do Golden Gate bridge, which I applaud them for that choice. We also find out Derek is from small town in Iowa, but we have already told that story on the Bachelorette and Bachelor, so we’re focusing on the fact that he’s from FL. JoJo goes in for the kiss with him.

Chad and Daniel are besties back at the house and talking over each other and the best thing they say is “I always warn girls to stay away from the nice guys…” yep that’s exactly what my mom has warned me about for years. I get what they’re saying that you don’t want a fake nice, but you don’t want arrogant jerks either.

Alright date card is here. “Prove your love to me and the nation”

  1. Jordan—-Aaron Rodgers lil brother, one of my top 3
  2. Christian—the guy who gets up at 3:30 in the morning to work out and takes care of his little brothers
  3. Nick—you know him better as Santa Claus
  4. James Taylor—no not that James Taylor, but basically that James Taylor
  5. Alex—twin ex-marine who’s just a lil guy
  6. Chad—meat-head moron

That means no dates for the week are:

  1. Brandon—hipster, who seems like he’s so high he may not realize he’s on a dating show.
  2. James S.—superfan
  3. Chase—yeah we don’t really know him, he’s really sad he doesn’t have a date though.

And of course Chad is super supportive and tells them that they didn’t even know JoJo 72 hours ago, so you should be fine not getting a date. What great words from a guy who’s going on the date.

Back to Derek & JoJo’s night portion of their date. After saying they both prefer to be laid back, they’re dressed in their Sunday best complete with sparkly shoes for JoJo and a very sparkly dress so we don’t lose her! JoJo’s first question of the night is askin Derek about his last relationship. That makes him tear up. It was a couple years ago and he closed himself off as a result of that. JoJo relates because Ben told her that he loved her and she closed off too, for the whole 2 weeks before they started shooting her season, okay maybe it was actually 2.5 months, but don’t act like it was a long relationship that really broke you compared to a real-life relationship.

Derek tells us that he was in a serious relationship, where he was ready for marriage. Him and his past girlfriend both talked about how they wanted to get married to one another…that was until he found out that she was cheating on him. He’s still obviously affected by this and it breaks my heart for him…however, this is the part where I must point out that him going on a dating reality television show, where the girl will tell him she wants to marry him, while at the same time telling 20 other guys she wants to marry them, may not be the best way to jump back in there and put yourself out there expecting to not be hurt….JoJo gives him a rose and he’s thrilled. They make out some more and of course there is dancing and not fireworks like I was expecting, but a fountain that lights up….guess we don’t spend money on fireworks on the first one-on-one date.

GROUP date time! We’re at ESPN, which I would LOVE! The guys come up and see JoJo on the stage of “Sports Nation”, JoJo is a natural. She talks about how she loves ESPN and grew up watching sports. How weird is this going to be that Jordan is on this date? This date was meant for him just like the first date was made for Grant.

We’re going to power rank the guys. We get them to do a celebratory dance for tackling the roses/quarterback. Most of these moves have me embarrassed for the guys and hope there was alcohol consumed before they did this. We can’t un-see this, as much as we’d like.

Next game is the guys doing the old trick of spinning your head around on a bat 10 times. They then have to run to JoJo with a big ring and propose to her. Most of the guys are falling trying to get to her. They are very cheesy as they propose. She’s loving it all up.

Chad is rolling his eyes at the other guys. When it’s his turn, he marches up to her, grabs her by the butt and pulls her towards him and just says “Will you marry me.” The 2 ESPN hosts say it wasn’t enough. Which then makes him argumentative and when JoJo says that one of her love languages is “words of affirmation” he doesn’t listen to what she’s saying, talks over her and tells her that she’s being “naggy” and needs to do things his way basically.

Last event of the day is “Press Conference.” All of the guys are again having fun and enjoying this moment and having fun with her. The last question they all have to answer is what guy shouldn’t she choose. Well of course the guys all choose Chad, and that gets his steroids and testosterone going and he’s upset because he didn’t play pretend, and was real and didn’t have fun and wasn’t fake. JoJo seems to be taking his side and that he’s a victim. Chad tells her that he doesn’t know what he loves about her, he just knows she’s beautiful and he’s ready for a relationship which is why he wants to get married. Chad thinks all the guys are here for the wrong reasons and then he gets on the guys for saying that this must be the first beautiful girl they’ve seen, the hosts are feeling the awkwardness and just wanna get the hell outta there….i wanna join them!

Power Rankings from the date are out:

3. Alex

2. Chad

1. James Taylor wins!

James shows a piece of his heart by reading a letter to JoJo about who he is and what he believes. It moves her so much she cries. He goes in for the kiss, and then she reciprocates and goes in for her own kiss.

Chad and JoJo are talking in their group date, and I’m gettin angry at him because I feel like he’s manipulating her and he won’t give a straight answer to any questions she asks. It’s the cliche’s answers “I am ready for a relationship.” JoJo wonders what he’s overcompensating for and that’s too easy of an answer so I’m not gonna say anything…I do have to say I feel guilty when he says that his mom passed away 6 months ago. They throw some change in a wishing well and you’ll never believe it, but JoJo goes in for a kiss!

The group date rose goes to James Taylor, because their conversation really touched her heart. I’m just hoping she doesn’t break his heart, because I’m a fan of James Taylor right now!

Okay, back to the mansion and we have a cocktail party! JoJo gets outta the limo to walk into the house for the cocktail party and Chad is there to get her before they start. He says 20 guys sitting on one couch gets old real quick. He said he’s not here to make friends and doesn’t wanna hang out with the guys….Chad, one of JoJo’s best friends is Becca whom she met and became friends with on the show!

The guys are pissed when Chad & JoJo walk in together. Alex our ex-Marine is giving Chad the third degree. He keeps interrogating him and wanting to know what he’s doing.

Well Chase has stolen JoJo away while all the guys are arguing, and he’s created his own Winter Wonderland of fake snow, so she knows where he came from and he loves to Snowboard.

GUYS IT’S A MIRACLE!!!!!! We’re seeing someone eat for the first time in Bachelor history. Chad is eating food like most people consume alcohol. He’s eating a lot of lunch meat, and now I’m sad because they’re calling him a meathead, and I did that earlier today and didn’t know that it was an easy insult. Also, I’m getting real sick of the word protein.

Will has JoJo TYping the Bachelor mansion. Chad thinks these are just frat guys or kids. Alex is pissed because Chad interrupts him, and JoJo asks for a second and he decides to lurk in the shadows and not give them a chance to finish their convos. JoJo tells him that he’s mysterious and she’s trying to figure him out and is struggling.

The guys decide to go up and confront him and Chad tells us in his interview that it reminded him of West Side Story. His only friend is Daniel, which again is very telling. Chad decides to just walk away and isn’t happy that they aren’t actually gonna fight him. Chad goes back for an unprecedented 3rd time in a night to just piss off the other guys. Evan is actually bonding with the rest of the guys because he tells him that Chad came bounding in. Poor Evan is so polite.

Alex is really pissed, and tells Chad that JoJo is probably creeped out by him because he’s lurking and keeps going up to her. Chad now gets in Alex’s face and says “F you for real. Keep this up and you’ll lose your teeth.” Then Alex said he’s not scared of him and he’s a meltdown waiting to happen. Chad tells him he should be scared of him. Chad seemed to randomly snap there, I don’t know if he think it’s because he thought he was in the shadows and no one could see. Even though Alex is lil he’s a Marine, so he could probably kick Chad’s ass….well before it escalates too much Chris Harrison is here so we can start the rose ceremony!

Roses are going to or have gone to:

  1. Wells—first group date rose, DJ, I’m a fan!
  2. Derek—first one-on-one, also a fan
  3. James Taylor—super sweet guy, got date on second group date
  4. Alex—short ex-marine
  5. Christian—guy who gets up at 3:30 and takes care of brothers
  6. Robby—wearing a bow tie tonight, drank from a wine bottle
  7. Luke—great guy, just a tad intense for the first week with not winning the first group date.
  8. Chase—guess his Winter-Wonderland worked!
  9. Jordan—one of my favorites! Aaron Rodgers lil brother
  10. Grant—firefighter gets the win and rose
  11. Ali—played piano for her first night
  12. Daniel—drunk guy, male model, Canadian—she needs to keep him b/c Chad needs someone to talk to
  13. James F.—I like him, but he’s too normal for her, so he’ll be gone next week
  14. Nick—Santa Claus
  15. Vinny—drunk guy #2 from first night, can’t get rid of them all right away
  16. Evan—I’m legit shocked he got a rose. He’s actually grown on me, because he seems sincere enough that he wants to be here and wants a rose.

Final rose goes to!

17. Chad—-because how could they let the villain go home after the 2nd episode?

No roses to:

  1. James S—superfan, you knew that the villain had to stay on
  2. Brandon—when he told people goodbye I think he realized that he was on a dating show.
  3. Will—guess the awkward first kiss didn’t work out for him like he thought it would.

Oh man we have a 2 night special event this week! That means we need to have LOTS of protein and working out to get us through this week and get ready for next week! Next Monday & Tuesday night we gotta get ready for a very intense and dramatic week!!!

I cannot wait!!!!

Until then, eat that protein and get swell!

Lindsay

 

 

 

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