JoJo’s Finale & First Episode of Bachelor In Paradise

Alright, JoJo’s season finale was last night, I’m sorry this blog is late, I was at a Bachelorette finale viewing party with friends, and honestly it wasn’t all that exciting. Had we gotten any sort of drama I would’ve blogged. However, we had JoJo choose the exact guy that we knew she would pick from the very first episode. Robbie put up a valiant effort, but we knew he didn’t stand a chance.

I don’t know how JoJo ended up with the 2 prettiest boys, but she did and maybe she has a thing for guys in tight pants, because oh my goodness! This is a perfect depiction of the 3 of them:

 

She chose Jordan, shocker of all shockers….Jordan who?!?! Jordan Rodgers….have we ever heard a contestant refer to himself using his full name as much as Jordan? The only drama that they fabricated for us was that Jordan didn’t ask her parents for permission to marry her when they first met…instead he had to call them on the phone and ask and obviously they agreed.

She again was sobbing so much last night that I just got really annoyed. Her life is not as rough as she was making it seem that she was. She cried without crying real tears, so I’m saying that it wasn’t really crying. She needed sympathy from Robbie as she was dumping him. He gave it to her and it drove me crazy. She said the words that every man who proposes hopes she says to her ex minutes before he proposes. She tells him that her heart really wanted it to be him. As she was dumpin him she also pulled a Ben and told him that she loved him, which I have no clue what the purpose of that was, but she did it.

When Jordan came to propose it was as if he knew exactly what was going to happen. It wasn’t a cute confidence, but more of an annoying one. He proposed, she said she loves him, she said yes, he gave her a giant Neil Lane diamond. They stood watching the sunset on the beach.

I was really hoping there was going to be drama on the After the Final Rose. I was hoping for a Mesnick switch, a Jake and Vienna fight, something that remotely resembled drama and intrigue!

Instead we got to hear about how mean the media has been about Jordan’s past and wondering if JoJo can trust him. I’m sorry JoJo but you do realize that the media and ABC/Disney are working hand in hand on this, right?!?! With those powerful lawyers and power that ABC has, there’s no way these stories with these “sources” could get out as much as they do, if ABC wanted to stop it they would. They want ratings, so they were feeding these stories and lighting those fires along the way, and if you don’t believe that, then I don’t know what to tell you JoJo.

Jordan and Aaron are still not talking and that’s obviously Aaron’s fault. Jordan is the golden child (at least in his mind) so there’s nothing he’s doing wrong. We should feel sympathy for him. They’re wantin to date and live together in Dallas for now, and maybe wedding bells next year….I’ll believe that when I see it. I don’t think these two crazy kids will make it. Once the adventure is gone and they’re just in their normal lives I think they’ll realize they don’t have a friendship foundation. They never spoke on the show, they have a physical relationship and that’s not gonna get you thru the tough times.

I think Robby was attempting to do his best attempt at appearing broken-hearted enough to get the sympathy of Bachelor Nation so he could then be the next Bachelor. I don’t know, I didn’t believe his audition to be the Bachelor as much as Luke & Chase. I also still REALLY have an issue with the timing on his breakup with his long-term girlfriend and when he had to fill-out the paperwork to be on this show. He was a smooth talker, but I don’t trust him.

Robby will find someone who is looking for blinding pearly whites and hair that refuses to move, even in the shower. He should not take tips from Ross Gellar on how to pick up women, well then again he did get himself Jennifer Aniston, so maybe Robbie has the right idea.

 

And with that we are done with JoJo and her season. Like I’ve said before it reminded me a lot of Andi’s season, and I have a feeling that Jordan and JoJo will last as long as Andi and Josh did. I wish them luck and nothin but happiness and I hope I am wrong about their future, if they get married on ABC, I will obviously watch it.


Okay, now we’re going to get to what has become my favorite show of the franchise, Bachelor in Paradise. I love this show because of the debauchery that it is. This is when the franchise is absolutely not taking itself seriously and knows it’s trashy and embraces that. I also like it for the fact that if I don’t like one couple, I’ll just ignore them and pay attention to another couple.

Alright, so we know the premise is that people are going to come and go from Paradise. It looks like to begin with according to the opening montage is:

  1. Amanda—single mom with 2 lil girls, made it to hometowns on Ben H’s season
  2. Jared—you know him from last yr on Paradise, because Ashley I is obsessed with him and wanted him to take her flower, spoiler alert, he didn’t
  3. Jubilee—drill Sargent from Ben’s season. She thought that the girls were ganging up on her and her sarcasm was not always understood.
  4. Nick—the perpetual runner-up. He was runner-up his first time on the Bachelorette for Andi’s season when she chose Josh instead of him. He decided to come back last season in the middle of the season and sleep with Kaitlyn, and even though that happened and Shawn knew about it, Kaitlyn and Shawn still ended up together, leaving Nick out in the cold again.
  5. Evan—the annoying erectile dysfunction, whiny, nose-bleeder from JoJo’s season
  6. The Twins—guess what the Twins from Ben’s season, yeah you know how Ben did a real good job of making sure they were 2 different people, well our moral compass isn’t around, so Hailey and Emily are the same person now, the TWINS
  7. Vinny—the barber from JoJo’s season, gotta say his hair appears that it may be way better now then it was before!
  8. Carly—she was on Farmer Chris’ season originally and had my favorite celebration ever for a contestant going home:

You will also remember Carly from being on Bachelor in Paradise last year and falling in love with Kirk our taxidermist friend. Carly made such smart and wise moves like missing her brother’s wedding because she spent 3 weeks filming this ridiculous show last year, so she may as well come back for a second shot!

9. Daniel—Canadian male model from JoJo’s season

10. Izzy—no flipping clue

11. Grant—my firefighter friend from JoJo’s season. I loved me some Grant.

12. Lace—she was the crazy drunk girl on Ben’s season. Remember when she got pissed that he didn’t make eye contact durin the rose ceremony with her? Ben showed us he can love more than I can, because he gave her more of a shot, and she had a real heartfelt clarifying moment on the Women Tell All, where she realized why she acts the way she does, and then threw that down the toilet when she decided she needed to come on this show.

13. Sarah—She was originally on Sean Lowe’s season, which is CRAZY! Sean who married Catherine, and has been out of the limelight for a year, so had to go on Celebrity Marriage Rehab, or whatever it’s called to get back in limelight, so we’d all care when they announced when they were pregnant and they had the baby a couple months ago…so yeah Sarah, your 15 mins is LONG gone! She is also a repeat Bachelor in paradise goer, she’d dated Robert I believe….you will know Sarah also because she has one arm and tries to say that’s why guys won’t date her.

14. “the Chad”—dear Lord, they’ve put an article in-front of his name. He’s a trainwreck and I’m just glad he’s on my tv now, because that means he’ll soon be off right?!?!

Harrison comes and intros us to Bachelor in Paradise and reminds us that Jade & Tanner got engaged on this very beach and they are now married and living a normal life in KC.

Alright we have the intros to Harrison, and all I can hear are the squeaking birds in the background, Harrison is always the professional and doesn’t let the birds bother him as he gets thru his interviews. Doesn’t Harrison have the power to yell at them to shut up and they would listen?!?!

Nick and Amanda are the first 2 there and are hitting it off. Jubilee joins them. Then they talk about how the 3 of them want to meet Chad. Well Evan comes down the steps and Jubilee whispers “It’s the penis guy!” She decides to ask him what his actual name is. I think the best part is that both Jubilee and Amanda say that Evan is much better looking in person than he is on tv, which I feel like is the back-handed compliment that no one wants to hear.

Vinny and Carly are next. She said she’s going to test drive some cars and wants to meet a lot of guys and not focus on one. Grant is playin it cool right now. Daniel is next and they’re telling us that Daniel has no filter, so watch out! He’s not impressed by the girls, he doesn’t think they are good-looking.

Everyone is excited to meet Chad because they think he’s entertaining, savage and that he can’t be as bad as he appears. Before we get to Chad, we gotta see Sarah. And Daniel wants to rate the girls because he loves rating girls an meet up to his standards. Oh don’t worry, Daniel the twins are here and he’s making a move probably because he thinks he can get both!

Izzy is a girl that the cast doesn’t even know who she is. Daniel attempts to talk to Izzy and they are certainly not on the same page, I don’t think they’re even having the same conversation, she says one thing and he says another.

Lace is here and Grant said that he can tell that Lace is a mess and he feels sorry for anyone in a relationship with her, which is exactly the first impression you want to give off.

Jubilee has a certain guy in mind that she’s waiting for and has high expectations for him. Jubilee refuses to say the guys name, but Amanda and her are off to the side when Jared walks in and Jubilee gets all happy. Jubilee is attempting to play it cool and doesn’t go tell Jared hi, and before he can come over and talk to her, Sarah steals him away. Here’s the drama I was hoping for last night!

Chad has arrived in Paradise and no one is shocked since Daniel and Evan are already here. And now we find out why Sarah is still single because she is telling Carly that she thinks she could change Chad and make him a nice guy….yeah the typical bad boy persona. Wanting to change your man is always a good recipe.

The first romance of the season is Chad & Daniel. They are in love and have great plans for the season that include letting the alcohol drive their choices because that’s always a great plan.

Jubilee gets the first date card and she decides that she’s going to ask Jared. She said she’s never asked a guy out before, so what better way to do that then ask him when he’s in a swimming pool surrounded by everyone? Jared says yes and one of the twins is super jealous.

Lace & Grant are hitting it off and seem to be enjoying themselves. He admits that he thought she was crazy, but sometimes complicated is good. She’s certainly showing her crazy side off, but that may have to do with the shots they are doing. She leaves sweet normal Grant and decides to go flirt with Chad. As Daniel said, it’s the 2 crazy people together. There is a lot of yelling and arguing with one another, it appears as if it should be playful but has dark undertones to it.

They make out in the hot tub. With Vinny & Izzy sharing the hot tub. Vinny said he’s confused because they argue and then they make out, then they argue. They are pouring their drinks in the hot tub. Everyone is waiting for them to combust. You can tell they are drunk and keep drinking. They have horrible analogies from the rest of the cast about how they’re like rats who have lots of sex but then end up eating each other. Carly narrated it best when she said they can’t be attracted to their chaos and that can’t be love right, or is she doing it wrong? I hope not Carly, because I’m with you!!!

We get a break from the Chad/Lace drama. We see the inside of a pinata and Jubes and Jared are on a date and having a NORMAL DATE conversation!!!! They’re talking about the Lord of the Rings and talking about which characters they identified with the most, it was so refreshingly normal! Then Jubes had the crap scared outta her because the convo was too real, so a clown came outta nowhere and scared her, and she made fun of herself for being scared of the clown because she’s been to war and back but screamed when there was a clown.

We’re back to the train wreck, where Chad & Lace are drinking more, calling each other names, slapping each other, bossing each other around, and then making out. Punchin each other. Nick cracks me up because he’s sitting with a group of girls and says “excuse me, the show is back on.” And they watch how crazy they are with each other.

He went too far and called her a REAL bad word. Carly tells us that it was the shortest relationship in Bachelor history at 2 hours and we had every range of emotions. They are pissed at each other, but still drinking, which is always healthy and also sitting 2 feet from each other in awkward silence, which is also healthy.

Lol and Nick cracks me up again when he said “I feel like God phoned it in the day he made Chad. He was like ‘eh.’ His heart wasn’t into it.”

Izzy and Vinny are the only two who aren’t completely caught up in this drama. No relationships are being formed tonight because they’re all too busy watching this. If anything it’s helping ease the tension and everyone else has to feel better about themselves because they aren’t in this ridiculous relationship.

Lace is absolutely hammered, which you can tell in her interviews. Her eyes are glassy, her words are slurred and she should be in bed. Chad & Daniel are now talking and Daniel is telling him that people are scared of Chad and his actions. Chad is also completely hammered and should also be in bed, but instead he’s bellying up to the bar. He’s pissed that people think he’s dangerous and since they think that, he’s going to give them something to be scared of.

Sarah finally speaks up and tells him that he’s being disrespectful to women. Carly applauds Sarah for speaking up. Chad decides to show his douche colors by now calling Sarah a one-armed b****. She says he needs to leave because she’s here to meet someone and it’s either her leaving or him.

Daniel is disgusted in him for crossing a line and saying inappropriate things to girls that have done nothing wrong to him. You can tell that Daniel is disappointed in him because he actually likes Chad.

Chad is now stumbling around and is way too drunk to be near water and near people. He passes out on the sand with a crab climbing on his hair, snoring and not in a chair but on the sand right by the pool….please tell me had he fallen in the pool a producer would’ve stepped in?!?! He wakes up naked in a bed, because he evidently soiled himself completely, which is just even more sad.

He tries to come up to the group and just ask for water and everyone is awkwardly quiet and I think they’re upset that he didn’t apologize. No one is happy to see him. Harrison yells at the people to come up to the rose room. Lace says that Chad is the old Lace version and he is not self-aware and needs help.

Harrison brings them all together to talk about last night. Chad think he’s in trouble for calling people out on the image that they want portrayed of “I’m such a great person.” Harrison is not falling for this routine again, fool him once shame on him, fool him twice…who you kiddin, you ain’t fooling Harrison twice!

He opens it up to the crowd to get their thoughts on last night. Sarah said that he said disrespectful things to Lace, her and women in general. Chad said that Lace didn’t mind, and she said she did and was trying to look out for him but he wouldn’t listen and instead of listening as she’s talking, up come his walls and he’s trying to talk over her and say that he’s being attacked again. Nick tries to tell him that he and many others were excited to meet him and he ruined it by saying he was going to murder them all.

Harrison reins it in, in the midst of the eye rolling from Chad. He reminds us that this a second-chance (if not more) to find love! He also said that it was a second chance for Chad. Everyone was here to be at Paradise and in one Night, Chad turned it into Hell. Harrison saw everything he did and he does not take well to being told to suck anything, and you really don’t tell the staff of the hotel that, or Harrison will really put his angry dad voice and face on! Harrison asks Chad to leave and Chad cannot believe it!

Chad said he’s not to walk off right now, he’s going to continue to sit in the middle of the group. He then turns on Lace and asks why she did this to him, was it because he talked to other girls? She is angry that he turned this on her. He is in disbelief that there are negative consequences to his actions!!! Who ever would’ve thought?!?!

He thinks that people don’t know how to take jokes and he can’t believe it at all. He’s just having fun and can’t believe no one here wants to have fun and they aren’t the good people that they are trying to portray being. He walks out with Harrison and throws his mike on the ground. Steps outta his flip flops.

Chad refuses to leave, he is sitting on a golf cart and a producer or someone is tellin him he’s going to have to leave. We then see Harrison having to come from the side, and someone tells him that he’s goin to have to make this the weirdest exit ever….is that because he refuses to leave or are the producers refusing to let him leave and wanting to make it this bizarre?

Chad is now turnin on Harrison. He’s pissed that he played up the villain role for them. He was having fun and makin jokes and he can’t believe that ABC turned on him. The problem is that you Chad, got way too drunk so you don’t realize that you crossed that razor thin line.

“You went to sleep with a mimosa and a robe on. You don’t even watch the show”

I don’t know if a better quote has ever been spoken on this show! He’s angry that Harrison said that he watched and knew what he said, he’s calling him out for being a host that doesn’t do much and doesn’t watch the show, he’s a thousand miles away. Harrison has gone from angry dad face to now disappointed dad face, which everyone knows disappointed dad is so much more painful to deal with than angry dad.

Chad wants Harrison to come after him and fight him, and we get an “F you Chris Harrison” followed by a To Be Continued!

We see previews of all the drama that’s going to happen every Monday & Tuesday night for the next few weeks. We’ll be done with Chad next week and I’ll be thankful for that, and we can get to the drama of Josh, Andi’s ex-fiance, coming back and needing to compete with Nick over Amanda, and lots of other tears!

I cannot wait!!!!!! Until next week!

Lindsay

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