Nick Meets his “Ladies”

the-bachelor-nick-viall-zoom-ab81beab-fdac-4a32-8989-491e6af853bc

Good evening!!!

We’re back!!! We’re all well-rested from the holidays and ready to start 2017 with a bang! Before I get into the meat and potatoes of everything, this is the part where I have my disclaimer that I am normally a nice person….unless I am blogging about the Bachelor franchise, then all bets are off! As a reminder, they put themselves out there for me to judge, so I am only doing my duty. Yes, they are getting edited and may have not meant things certain ways, but after 21 seasons of just the Bachelor, you know how this show works! And if you don’t you’re an idiot and deserve the edit you get. And look at that, I’ve already insulted someone in my first paragraph, we’re off to a great start!

So let’s go, I’m not really going to comment on the first 20 mins of the show as it’s the same thing we’ve seen before, though I don’t think she should’ve invited Ben back with Farmer Chris and Sean to talk to Nick, it just shows why I liked Ben so much and showed that Ben & Nick are not even close to being on the same playing field when it comes to be eloquent speakers. Nick mumbles and hopefully they’ve had someone work on that for this season, or it could be interesting.

Alright, here we go the official start to the season! Nick is meeting his “ladies” and going to send them home. I kept thinking we’d have 25 girls, but we have 30. We get the video packages where we meet some of the girls first.

We meet Rachel and her last name is LINDSAY! I already liked her before, and with her last name, we’re really friends. She’s a lawyer, and they show her working and cleaning her house by vacuuming and singing and dancing with the vacuum like we’ve all done and if you haven’t you’re a liar or you’ve never vacuumed before.

Next is Danielle L. so this is looking like good luck by me choosing my favorites on ABC.com if they’re the first 2 video packages shown. She owns nail salons. She has fake boobs that she feels a needs to show off in her video. She appears normal still, I just wish she would cover up a little bit.

Vanessa is awsome, she’s from Canada and speaks French, Italian and English and makes my heart soar because she’s a special ed teacher and her students love her which makes me like her…she does concern me though because she’s talking about being engaged, loving him and being a mom.

Josephine talks to her cats, otters and then has a weird energy that will either serve her well or destroy her, who knows?!?

Raven is from Hoxie, Arkansas, population 2,740 so obviously seems like a great town to open up a high end boutique right?!?! She also seems to be going for the fad a few other girls have spouted of the bare shoulders look, the one that Amanda (single mom of 2 from Ben’s season & BIP with Josh) really made popular. Family, Faith & football are what makes this place, Hoxie! She kinda reminds me of Des, but the country version of Des.

Corrine…ugh, Corrine is Vienna right?!?! Can we all just agree on that? Corrine introduces herself by floatin by on an inner-tube, that’s a watermelon. She’s 24 and lives in Miami. She refers to herself in the 3rd person, so Lindsay already hates her a little bit 😉 She has an infinity pool and fountains that she likes to frolic in. She supposedly runs a multi-million dollar company, oh wait, there’s daddy! She lives and works with her family and is with them 24/7. I don’t know if it’s mom that comes out to talk to her on the patio, but we’re then introduced to her NANNY! At my watch party, I went “WAIT, DID SHE JUST SAY NANNY?” and then I looked around expecting to see a small child, but no, the nanny brought her out cucumbers! Yes, because NOTHING says I’m ready to be married quite like still having a nanny take after you. Come on Corrine, for the love, at least call her your assistant, so it shows that you’ve grown up a little bit. And she says guess what, when she moves out of mommy & daddy’s Raquel the nanny will be coming with! So watch out Nick!

We’re then meeting daddy who started the multi-million dollar company, but Corrine runs it now guys, for real….you know this is one of those where daddy goes “sure princess, you’re gonna call this guy and email this person” and then behind her back he has all his minions doing the real work to make sure the multi-million dollar company doesn’t go down the drain.

Also, can we point out here, how in the world if you’re running this business, or being an apprentice, how can you take possibly 3 months off and go on the Bachelor?!? You can only do that if you’re actually not doing squat other than pretending to work.

Alright, now we meet Alexis. who likes wearing a sumo-wrestling outfit just out and about. She loves dolphins so much. I think Alexis is like Dog-Lover from a few seasons ago, where she probably has a real job but the producers are going to give her a career of Dolphin lover just to get people to think she’s weird.

Now we meet Danielle M, who I don’t love the outfit of the cutoff shorts with the pockets hanging out and the flannel shirt over the top…but do enjoy that she’s a neonatal nurse! My heart absolutely melts when I see her working with the babies, probably because my nephew is 3 weeks old, but I like her and hope she goes far!

Taylor is way prettier than her photos on ABC showed. She just got her Masters from John Hopkins and she works with vulnerability on patients. She has struggled with being biracial in the past because she wasn’t the right skin tone for anyone.

Then we have Elizabeth (Liz) from Las Vegas…. she met Nick at Jade & Tanner’s wedding, where she was the Maid of Honor. Which makes me wonder if Liz is from Nebraska like Jade was. Well they met at the wedding and spent the night together, Nick gave her his phone number, but she never called him, but has now decided to come on the show…because yeah that screams honorable intentions right?!?

Alright, enough of the pre-recorded videos! Let’s do this with Nick here on the shiney driveway meeting Chris Harrison. Thanks to my friend Maggie for this article about the family that lives in the Bachelor mansion when we aren’t invading it. Worth a read for any Bachelor fan!

The limo is here there is SCREAMING inside the limo and this is when yet again I’m reminded of why I couldn’t be on this show. I am not a Woo girl

But these girls certainly are, but I think it’s more because of these reasons rather than them just liking to Woo:

Okay, so we’re doing Wooing for a little while, we’re getting out of the limo and the first one out is Danielle L (also known for this episode as Boobs McGee, because Dear Lord, I’m very concerned we’re gonna have a Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction if she eats anything or moves too suddenly). She keeps laughing nervously, he’s smitten with her, but with nothing left to the imagination, I wonder why?

Elizabeth is here, she is in a wedding dress, but we’re just going to overlook it and not mention anything about it.

Our girl Rachel is here! She talked about how she set up her fantasy team before she got here, I don’t know how she’s gonna be able to do fantasy football, unless they do give her access to a computer, or whoever is in her league is happy she’s on a hiatus.

Next we got Christen in her yellow dress with a yellow fan. Ugh….she’s star-studded seeing him and this yellow dress, with her orange tan and red lipstick is not really working, I wanna like her and just hope we’re having a temporary fashion problem.

Taylor comes out and is nervous. She decides to tell him that all of her friends think he’s a complete piece of shit, and as she walks into the mansion he shows his sense of humor by saying under his breath that he can’t wait to meet her friends.

Kristina is a dental hygienist that tells him she knows people have low opinions of him but she wants to get to know him.

Angela is a model and I am not a fan of her dress. There are weird cut-outs at the top of it that are just not working and it seems she has a collar maybe.

Lauren comes in a sparkly dress—she comes up with the worst pickup line ever…us at the watch party couldn’t believe that not only did this come out of her mouth, but she decided to think about it and decided this is how she wanted to introduce herself. She made fun of his last name which is pronounced like a vile of blood, not Vail like the ski town. And her last name is Hussy, so she tells him that combined they are disgusting slut, he awkwardly laughs and I just want to hide for her.

Michelle is gorgeous in a purple dress and wants to make some lemonade from his past failure (lemons) of relationships.

Dominque tells him 4th time is a charm.

Ida Marie is in a dress I would never wear, but think it works for her. It’s a halter top with a shown midrifff and then a maxi skirt and all the material is lace like. She does a trust fall with him. She also can’t count to 3 which bothers me a lot.

Olivia comes in a large parka, does an Eskimo kiss with him because she’s from Alaska.

Sarah comes running up in a dress and some Nike Running shoes. I hope she keeps these shoes on all night because that is smart for the long night ahead. Her line is that she thought he’d appreciate another runner up. He does think it’s clever and she also points out that he’s not a runner-up to her and under his breath he thinks that’s a pretty good runner-up joke.

Jasmine G the pro basketball dancer comes up. She brings our friend Neil Lane who has a few rings already. The girls inside are PISSED. I’m sorry, but let’s be honest, she didn’t bring Neil Lane, ABC wanted Neil to make an appearance, hell Neil probably wanted to make an appearance and she was the poor smuck who got him as part of her introduction. Maybe she wanted him and called first dibs, maybe it was thrown at her.

Hailey is the girl where everything takes a turn and I start hiding way more…I was embarrassed for her, me and all of us viewers, especially her family when she asks him what a girl saying underwear says, he’s confused and wondering if he heard her correctly and she tells him she doesn’t know the answer either. I had such high hopes for your Hailey, you’re KILLING me!

We’re now talking about how it’s fine and we all know he has a very active sex life and we’re all good with it…the whole test drive the car thing, I mean that means true love right?!? This is where I become old-fashioned and don’t mean to offend anyone or judge anyone who has had sex before marriage, but maybe in Nick’s case the issue of him not having true love and supposedly being in love with Andi & Kaitlyn and it not working out, has more to do with him being in lust and just jumping in physically and not giving his heart and mind a chance to catch up with his body. I need my girl Becca on this show real bad right now and I hope there is a virgin who hasn’t spoken up yet, because there is more to love then sex, and if all your love is is sex it’ll fade pretty quickly.

Astrid comes up and talks to him in German and has her fake accent working and then all of a sudden she becomes a Country girl.

Now it’s Liz out of the limo and they have a normal talk like he’s had with the other girls. The only difference is that at least he doesn’t ask her name, but doesn’t act shocked to see her either happy or sad shocked. She walks into the mansion and her voice-over tells us that she can tell he didn’t know her, but she likes that because she thinks it means she has all the cards in her hand and makes her mysterious. REALLY?!!? You like that a guy you slept with 9 months ago, can’t pick you out of a lineup? The only reason he knows who you are is because Harrison comes up after him or a producer has given him a heads up about who you are because luckily you hooked up with him at an ABC sponsored event where there were cameras that caught you two dancing, so he could see video proof.

Okay, now we have Corrine come out. She gets the magical music so she’s probably going to last quite awhile. She gives him a hug token to come find her later to cash it in.

Next is our girl Vanessa the special ed teacher who has decided to come to the cocktail party in a patterned dress. She talks French to him and intrigues him.

Next is Danielle M. she gives him maple syrup that her dad makes, they then get weirdly competitive about who makes a meaner French Toast.

Raven comes out of the limo and Calls the Hog and then teaches him to call the hog with Pig Suey.

Jaimi comes out and doesn’t want to shake his hand because her hands are all sweaty. She also leads with that she also has balls and then sticks her fingers in her nose to bring out her earring in her nose piercing which has two metal balls on the ends.I mean sure, if you wanna lead with that, may as well.

Briana wants to listen to his heart since she’s a nurse and has a stethoscope.

Susannah goes with a beard massage, don’t ask me why.

Josephine comes up and has a hideaway book where she has hid a hotdog in it and says that he is always a “weiner” in her book and then they “Lady & the tramp it” with an uncooked hot dog that neither seem to enjoy the experience at all.

Brittany is a travel nurse and puts gloves on and makes him turn around and bend over, ugh 😦

Jasmine B is like the flower and he loves the red dress.

Whitney the Pilates instructor just gets a hug and is in the red dress montage.

Then we get a girl, Lacey, come up on a Camel and I’m just waiting for the Camel to spit. She tells him that she knows he likes to hump and so does she, and there’s no graceful way to get off a camel so she falls off of it into his arms and the girls are pissed because they think that was something vulgar to say and the other half are pissed they didn’t get to come in on a camel and use that line.

And then people are wondering who’s going to beat the Camel and Alexis the Aspiring Dolphin Trainer comes out of the limo in a Shark costume that she keeps arguing is a Dolphin costume. They’ve pointed out that yes she’s in a shark costume but she’s also wearing heels, honey you should’ve taken a note from Sarah’s book and worn Nike running shoes!

And somehow we’ve supposedly met 30 women and I feel for Nick, because yes he has 5 more girls then normal, but dang these girls are not great.

What to keep in mind from all the millions of conversations that happened where they’re all trying to meet Nick and share info and he has too much info flying at him that there’s no way he’s gonna remember any of it let alone all of it.

  1. Rachel and him have an honest/real conversation! They find out things about one another like where they live, where she went to school which is close to where he lives, she’s a Cowboys fan, he’s a Packers fan so they give each other crap about that. You can tell that this is a real instant connection and she is going to challenge him, she’s not someone who is going to bat her eyes and giggle at him. She gets the first impression rose and is very deserving of it. And after he gives the first impression rose he kisses her, and it’s a tasteful kiss, that was initiated by him.
  2. Corrine is already the villain of the season. I don’t know if we’ve had a villain this clearly defined this quickly. I feel like they normally wait until the second episode. But she cashes in her hug token, gives him a bag of tokens to use for the rest of the journey and is pissed they didn’t kiss. So she has to go back and steal him a second time and launches herself at him and starts making out with him….I’m sorry but I would’ve been okay with not being introduced to Nick’s tongue until the second, third or even fourth episode, but because of Corrine there it is in the first 2 hours 😦
  3. Liz, Liz, Liz….this girl is after him because he’s on tv. She admits that she didn’t reach out to him before because she has a type and then after she saw BIP she decided she liked him. He acutely points out that must be because after BIP she realized he fits her type. She tries to say that’s not the case. He points out that it’d had been real easy for her to get his number, all she had to do was ask Jade for it but she said she never does that. I don’t think she’s here at all for the right reasons, but obviously he found her attractive at one point, so I have no clue how long she’ll last.
  4. Alexis/Shark/Dolphin girl. She’s drunk…she gets in the pool to start swimming and does her Dolphin mating call and it worked! Nick showed up at the pool. Told her she’s wearing a shark costume, she insisted it was a Dolphin costume because she loves the Miami Dolphins. Which before this season was really saying something, so good for her. She wants to take off the costume and he teases her that if she takes it off then he can guarantee she will be going home. She was  a trooper and continued to wear it and that whole exchange kinda endeared Nick a little bit more to me because it shows his sense of humor that I’ve seen on Twitter but think that before BIP was edited out of his storyline.

 

There was other things that happened, but those were my main takeaways. Now to the rose ceremony!

  1. Rachel—First Impression rose, good job Nick!!!
  2. Vanessa-special-ed teacher, patterned dress, good job!
  3. Danielle L—Boobs McGee, please cover-up next week because I think I may actually like you, but was too distracted by your cleavage to know about your personality at all.
  4. Christen—a girl I love, who I’m excited to not wear that Yellow Dress again
  5. Astrid—stick to one accent girl!
  6. Corrine—launching yourself at him evidently worked Corrine or Daddy paid for your rose
  7. Elizabeth—wedding dress girl
  8. Jasmine G—Neil Lane/pro-basketball dancer
  9. Raven—she’s a ditzy girl that is gonna be the comedic break that we all need
  10. Kristina—she has an interesting accent that I have no idea where she’s from, but she was already crying wondering if she was gonna get chosen, girl is not cut-out for this if she’s losing it night 1
  11. Danielle M—-LOVE her! Neonatal nurse and had a high neck dress!
  12. Sarah—school teacher, who “ran” up to him
  13. Josephine—I keep struggling to remember who she is, she’s the one who made him eat a raw hot dog and seems like a Mean Girl, or at least like she wants to be in the Mean Girl clique but doesn’t know how to lead it on her own
  14. Lacey—Camel Girl
  15. Taylor—it works to tell him that all of your friends think he’s a piece of shit!
  16. Alexis—Shark girl, he laughs when he says her name, all the girls laugh they argue once more about shark/dolphin and then she gets her hug and rose
  17. Hailey—maybe she’ll wear underwear next week
  18. Whitney—NO clue, then saw it was because she was just in the red dress montage
  19. Dominque—nope, but she said 4th time is a charm
  20. Jaimi- sweaty hands, fingers in nose, balls in nose, okay…
  21. Brittany—travel nurse who put on a glove and was in every promo but I couldn’t recall her at all.
  22. Liz—She gets the final rose and a second chance to give Nick her number.

8 Girls went home and I’m sorry, but after night 1 no one can really be a surprise right? At least at this point, hell there are 5 girls that got roses at least that I have no clue who they are, let alone the 8 that went home. I think it should be pointed out that most who went home were NOT wearing red dresses, so they can’t blame that! I will tell you that the Hussy line did not work and she got to go home. The girls that are crying that are saying goodbye are crying because they’ve been up for a million hours, drinking and in a room full of catty women and cameras in your face constantly.

It looks like this will be a DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA season! My favorites after seeing them on tv are: Rachel, Danielle L, Danielle M. I think that Corrine will make it real far even though I don’t like her. Idk about Liz, I could see her staying for the long-haul or going home soon. I honestly think she’ll make top 6.

Though I wanted to hide during quite a few scenes it was certainly entertaining and I’m glad it’s back on our television screens! I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did!

I will see you all next week!
Lindsay

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